- April 16th, 2014
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Today’s weight: 90.4kg
I ruined my streak with ice cream. Pretty disappointed with myself. I was feeling depressed yesterday after I finished my blog entry and was faced with boredom and the stress of continuing my library studies. I felt like everything in the world was too hard, including my diet. I felt that me failing my diet was inevitable, so I went to a store near my work and loaded up with ice cream and chocolate. I didn’t eat everything I bought though, which is reflected in the fact that I at least did lose a little bit of weight.
For the rest of this week I am working from home in the hopes that I can stay holed up in my house for the next few days and avoid buying ice cream. I’ve just rescheduled my appointment with my lap band surgeon which was originally for tomorrow, so hopefully I will find no reason to leave my house. I still need to buy Easter presents for my parents for Sunday, so I will try venturing out first thing Saturday morning and just hope it won’t be hellishly busy.
I slept a lot yesterday. As in, I went to bed sometime around 3pm, set my alarm for 7pm to take my drugs, then went back to sleep. I woke up this morning after 7am. This is a result of tiredness and boredom. The tiredness is like a constant companion. I feel like my sleep quota is huge and I never meet it during the week, which usually leaves weekends for me to top it up by sleeping until a ridiculous hour.
The boredom is a whole issue of its own. Honestly, the only times that I am not bored are when I am eating and when I am writing my daily blog entry. Once the entry is done, restlessness sets in. I try to occupy myself with small things like checking the credit card and budget and doing work, but the boredom seems to be as inevitable as me failing my diet.
I feel like the morning is the best part of my day. I get up early (most days), weigh myself (which is always a positive thing when I’m dieting well), shower (most days), take my morning drugs with my breakfast shake (which feels like a positive thing to me since I know that the morning drugs benefit me), drive myself to work (most days), and write my daily blog entry. I drink lots of water, I happily consider my future, I write out thoughts as they pass through my brain. I feel positive when my day starts.
After the blog entry, I am faced with reality. The reality of my job which results in boredom due to the nature of the work I do. The reality of my weight and my struggle to diet. The reality of my inability to focus on anything for any period of time. Reality sobers my optimism. Boredom sets in. The day is ruined and all I can do is look forward to the next morning when I will feel good again.
If I am assigning blame to anything, I do so to my job. It started off interesting and challenging when I began six months ago, but now it just bores me. I have thirty odd service desk tickets assigned to me, a few sitting on “Waiting for an external third party,” a few more sitting on “Feedback requested” and the rest awaiting my assessment. None of them have any urgency however, so I work through them at a slow pace while I do non-work related things like check Facebook and pin things on Pinterest. It just doesn’t occupy me enough.
I don’t remember boredom in my old library job (although I am well aware that I may have a selective memory about this). There were desk shifts, which would keep me occupied for about two hours at a time. Then there was work to do in the side room, scanning documents and fetching books and doing some minor cataloguing. There were also meetings for me to attend: regular meetings for the Enquiry and Lending Services team (which I was part of), the Library Emerging Technologies group I volunteered for, the Podcasting Group I volunteered for, and the Staff Development Committee which I also volunteered for. I really enjoyed being part of all these groups.
I was told off once for not doing enough work. I got into the bad habit of having my MSN Messenger (which I used back then, but not now) signed in and had many conversations going throughout the day. I don’t remember what else I did, but I know that I got relaxed with doing non-work related things at work. This was an issue around the time that I left the job. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have this problem now. But who knows? I guess I will never be certain until I am in a library role again.
So ideally, I’d be looking for a library role capable of keeping me busy throughout the work day. If I don’t have the opportunity during the day to write my blog entry, check Facebook and pin things on Pinterest, maybe I would do those things in the evening instead and thus be busy and productive until the end of the day. I can’t remember which job it was, but there was one recently which kept me occupied and I remember looking forward to the end of the day. That’s what I want in a job: something that will make me look forward to work being over, although not in a bad way like, “OMG this job sucks” or anything.
Continuing on with the ideal, arriving home should be a positive thing. The chance to relax from a long day, filled with interesting things to do like browse the Internet, read a story, do the laundry and dishes. It should be my opportunity to do non-work related things, rather than arriving home from a day of doing just that and being faced with more of it.
I think that my healthy routine relies a little too heavily on my job. If my job bores me, so does everything else. I guess it’s like work prepares my brain for the day, and if boredom sets in early, it’s hard to shake off with anything productive. I’m not capable of focusing on anything productive when I get home or when I am at work really. It’s really difficult.
I can’t tell if this is a symptom of depression. It certainly felt depressing yesterday, making me feel like everything was too hard and there was no brightness in my future. The emotional pang felt unbearable and that the only thing that would help it would be ice cream, one of the two things that relieve my boredom.
I want to be productive and happy. Why is that so hard?
I feel so positive when I write these blog entries, it sucks that it doesn’t follow me after these entries are posted. When I’m writing for my blog, I’m looking toward the future mostly and looking forward to certain things like reaching my goal weight and getting a library job. Then comes reality: the suffering of addiction to get through in order to lose weight and the hopelessness of actually obtaining a library job that I can afford.
Okay, I put off finishing this post because I didn’t want to become unproductive, but I think that’s happened anyway. Stuff happened, I have a job interview next week and I’m looking at doing postgraduate library studies. No idea what will happen with anything at this stage. So I’m just going to end this post here. Bye!