I have library training today. Much excitement! I hope it goes well. I really want this whole library thing to work out and be good for me. I need a job where it feels like I belong. I’ve felt that way about libraries in the past. I hope I can feel that way again.
There’s another library job going at the same university: Library Coordinator. I wrote the best cover letter in my life for it and even got my husband and my current boss to look over it. It sounds like an ideal position for me: full time, north of the river, on a campus where friends of mine work, a step forward in my library career, awesome pay. I don’t want to get my hopes up… but holy shit do I want this job. I’m hoping to at least get an interview. I worry about the interview though. Can I really exude enough confidence in myself to convince them that I’m the right person for the job? As far as I can tell, this position doesn’t have any other positions reporting to it, but I think it’s still a leadership role. I don’t have much experience in leadership.
I booked and paid for my surgery yesterday. It’s next Wednesday, 4th of June. I’m getting my lap band surgeon to take out my gallbladder and remove my lap band. He was actually offended that the hospital I went to didn’t remove my gallbladder when I went in for gallstones. He taught me more about the gallbladder as well and what a useless organ it is. The liver produces bile constantly anyway, the gallbladder was just a place to store it. I’m hoping that this means that fatty foods won’t be too bad.
I went to bed super early last night. I tend to do that when my husband isn’t here I think. I get bored and think, “Meh, I may as well sleep.” I went to bed so early that I woke up at 3:30am well rested and worried briefly that I had slept in.
I ate ice cream yesterday. It was so stupid and I am so disappointed in myself. I actually bought over $75 worth of junk food, planning to have junk food days yesterday and today, but after eating my horrible ice cream and feeling so terrible for it, I chose to throw everything else out. This means that I threw over $60 worth of shit into the bin. I am a bit proud of myself for doing it though. It’s a waste of money, but a bigger waste if I ate it all.
So today I am back on the shakes and I am choosing to stick to the shakes only, no keto friendly foods because I really want to lose weight ASAP. I lost a little bit of weight this morning. I hope that translates to more weight loss tomorrow morning.
Today I am planning on having my lunch in the staff room at the library. I am going to sit with people and join in conversation and make a good impression on them hopefully. I normally avoid staff rooms because I am nervous around people, but I want to give this staff room thing a go and see if I can be content with participating in conversations.
The downside is that the Library Coordinator position is on a different campus to the job I am going to today. This means that it is unlikely that at lunch I will make friends with anyone who might be responsible with hiring for that position. Bummer.
My boss says that I could blow that position out of the water. He seems to have a lot of confidence in me and thinks I just need that confidence myself.
I’m hoping that the regret I felt about eating ice cream yesterday sticks with me over this long weekend. It’s going to be super hard, being on my own with nothing to do other than read or watch TV. Well, I guess I could also work on my HMS and study nutrition, but I don’t want to tax myself while I’m going through the withdrawal phase of dieting again. If it weren’t for the new drug, I would probably just sleep all weekend, but my new drug gives me energy and drive, so that won’t really work this time.
I don’t know how likely it is that I will get to talk to my husband over this weekend. It’s been confirmed that the place won’t have Internet and his mobile phone doesn’t get coverage in that area. He bought another SIM card for a provider that claims to have coverage in that area, but he’s not sure that their claims are accurate.
Playing devil’s advocate, I sometimes wonder how easy it would be for my husband to lie to me and do something like have an affair. He’s a very busy person, and I often have no more than his word that he is doing something like attending talks in the city or flying internationally to meet with people for work. I can imagine that he might pretend that he’s flying internationally, but really is staying locally in a hotel with another woman.
I don’t believe any of that for a second. I know my husband is incredibly faithful and honest to me and would never do something so terrible. But my mind likes to imagine these things, like it’s on the alert, just in case.
Actually, I left work early yesterday to get ice cream and go home to eat it. I left after my husband told me he was getting ready for the taxi which would take him to the airport. But when I got home, his car was gone and his bag was still in the living room. I did wonder then if something suspicious was going on, but he arrived home shortly after and told me that he had forgotten to get cash out, so he had done that first and was now ready for the taxi.
Let me clarify here that I am not a jealous or suspicious person by nature. I trust my husband completely and know that he would never be untrue. What I am discussing here are merely stray thoughts, much like an angry person contemplating murder. Well, like a person contemplating murder who would never actually commit murder anyway. It’s kind of like, “Imagine if I were an astronaut!” These are just silly thoughts that have no meaning.
My mother is a very jealous and suspicious person. She cannot handle my dad talking to anyone of the opposite sex at all. She’s jealous of all his past relationships, hates his kids from other marriages, and would stay angry with him for days if he dared mention another female that he talked to or anything. She would try to impose the same jealousies on me as I was a teenager. If my boyfriend happened to be friendly with one of my female friends, she would be all like, “Oooo, watch out for those two!”
To that extent, I used to be a jealous person myself. Never to the same degree as my mother, but I would be unhappy and suspicious if my boyfriend talked to a girl I didn’t know, jealous if a guy I was interested in had a lot of female friends. There was one guy years ago who was interested in me, but I knew I couldn’t handle a relationship with him because he was friends with so many girls. I believed that everyone would eventually cheat on their partner if given the chance. When my abusive partner and I split up, he left me with some parting words: not only did he say that no one else would ever love me, but he also told me that he was the one person who never would have cheated on me.
And I believed that. I believed that not cheating on someone was hard. I had done it to him and I did it to the next guy I dated after him. I always had male friends and sometimes I would get just a little bit too close to them. I honestly wondered if I was cut out for monogamy and wondered how other people could handle it too.
I don’t know what it is about my husband, but somehow things changed. I know now that it is not hard to not cheat on someone. If you love your partner, you don’t let yourself get close enough to another guy for something to happen, or almost happen. Somehow my husband became the most trusted person in my life, which is ironic given the fact that our relationship actually started with his own infidelity. He said he knew that irony, but promised me that he would never be unfaithful to me. And I believe him.
I haven’t been tested much in this marriage. He doesn’t really have any female friends that aren’t also my friends. He doesn’t spend any time alone with a female, doesn’t have regular contact with any as far as I know. But even if he did, I would not be jealous. I think that jealousy is a trait that I picked up from my mother, but its hold on me is weak. It’s still there a little, but I am a bit above that now.
And I don’t get tested with my own fidelity either. Like my husband, I don’t really have any male friends that aren’t also friends with him, and I don’t have much regular communication with male friends. Actually, that’s another thing that has been somewhat new for me since I started dating my husband: most of my friends are actually female these days. I think. Well, maybe not. But I do have female friends that I talk to and see more than my male friends. And I sure wouldn’t mind developing friendships with more females.
I’m not worried that my husband will ever cheat on me, and I’m not worried that I would ever cheat on him. Despite our rocky beginning and the instability caused by my mental illness, we have a great and trusting relationship that is only under threat by two things: my mental illness (because he could very well just get sick of it one day) and potential children (because I still don’t know if I want any, and he certainly doesn’t).
So today is going to be good, albeit difficult. I am going to be trained in the ways of libraries again and am going to stick to my shakes for the day, plus take an extra dose of that new drug at lunch time, although I’m sure going to look weird pouring a pink liquid out of a hip flask and into a medicine cup. I have a GP appointment this evening to get my referral for the surgery next week. Otherwise I am keen to simply spend my weekend getting through this diet thing and getting back into ketosis, which I ruined with my ice cream yesterday.
My hopes are definitely up about this Library Coordinator job (seriously, I think it would be damn close to perfect for me), but there’s no point in stressing about it since applications don’t even close until after my surgery. Argh, I can’t help it though! It would be such an awesome job and I could do so well in it. I only wish I had some strings to pull… Hmmm.
Anyway, I now have an hour until I need to get ready to leave for my library job. I may spend this time designing the database for my HMS. It hasn’t been going well the last two days. I really need to get it done though and fill it with some data so I can finally start coding the bulk of the system. It’s still going to be a steep learning curve for me though, learning how this MVC stuff all goes together and how authentication works. I felt a little bit overwhelmed reading the documentation yesterday and almost wondered if I am even capable of this, but I will persist! I can do this.
I can do all of this! I can stick to my shakes. I can do well in training today. I can get through my weekend. I can survive the horrors of my surgery. And I can totally get that damn library job. So here I go.