- March 5th, 2014
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As you may have guessed by my last entry, I have ended my relationship with my primary psychologist. She responded to say that she wished I had done it in person but that she respected my decision and wished me well. She then replied again later saying that she was sad that we didn’t get to properly say goodbye. I asked if I should attend my last appointment with her and she said it would be too awkward now.
I felt pretty down after I sent the email. Like always, when I felt down I wanted to eat. I managed to keep myself away from the store though and have stuck to my diet. I was rewarded this morning by losing 0.8kg since yesterday. I am now at my lightest again in ten months and am hoping to stick with my diet for the next couple of weeks at least. I have a poker night this Saturday, but can easily avoid eating there, but a wedding in another couple of weeks, which will be harder. I’ll probably just go with the flow on that one.
I sent an email to my psychiatrist as I determined that I’ll be out of this new drug before I see him again. I hope he can send me another prescription because I am very fond of this drug. Not only does it not taste like balls, but it’s given me such energy and positivity. I don’t want to repetitively harp on about it, but I still can’t get over how good I feel these days compared to how lethargic and sad I felt before the new drug. Maybe, if I’m lucky, we can remove the other drugs from my system gradually.
Not everything is great at the moment. I still struggle to read things and I still obviously have issues to work through. They don’t seem to impact me as largely as before, however. In general, I feel very positive about my future, but it’s tentative. I know that it can be all too easy for something to ruin my day and for me to make a big deal out of it.
Like yesterday, for instance. I found out that my husband will be attending a fortnightly role-playing game from yesterday onwards and I reacted poorly. He was very distressed by my reaction, understandably, and struggled to decide if he was going to go or not. I eventually managed to get him out the door and managed to have a fairly enjoyable evening on my own.
The initial reaction though, that sucks. It seems that regardless of how far I’ve come, I’m still incredibly dependent on my husband and get stressed out when he’s busy. It happens when he is busy at work as well. I seem to be unable to function on my own with no “backup” I guess. My primary psychologist has said to me before that this doesn’t really belong to me. I’m not the one who is dependent on men to live my life, but my mother is. I seem to have inherited some of my mother’s problems, but to a different extent.
I’m not sure I have the words to really describe what I mean here. Yes, obviously I am dependent on my husband, but somehow it’s not a “complete” symptom. I am perfectly capable of existing on my own as I have done many times before and continue to do so in my adult life. My mother’s shadow tends to skew things so that I become unable to function on my own.
Visiting friends is another one of those things that I find difficult without my husband. Particularly if my husband is at home. To my mind, if my husband is available to spend time with me, then I have to spend time with him. I’m not even capable of doing my own thing in my home office if he is out in the lounge room. I’m smothering him with my presence and I really want to be able to be independent. I know that I can be independent. What am I so afraid of?
It’s ironic. On one hand I seem to be afraid of getting too close to my husband because I fear I will lose my identity (what identity?), but on the other hand I seem to be incapable of functioning without him around. I guess I’m even incapable of functioning with him around since I don’t want to be in a different room from him. I’m immobilised by my dependence.
I want to try harder though. Part of leaving my primary psychologist means that I have to really start working on all of these problems that are weighing me down. I need to force myself to visit friends, and look forward to spending every second Tuesday on my own. I need to be capable of doing my own thing away from my husband, even when he’s home and sitting on the couch.
Anyway, life in general is pretty good and I feel I am in a stronger position to handle problems like this. As part of my complex PTSD, I still feel very precariously balanced and acknowledge that it wouldn’t take much to send me on a downward spiral, but I feel that those spirals do not go as far down as I’m used to.
In my next few posts I am hoping to cover what it means to have depression and complex PTSD. Hopefully it will be informative.