Failure

Today’s weight: 89.4kg

I suck.

I continued to feel depressed about my career prospects after my entry yesterday which led me down a terrible path of job seeking. Not saying that job seeking itself is terrible, but what happens to me is that I become panicked, convinced that I can’t stay in my current job and that I will take any job to be free. Like my husband says, if I am considering becoming a dish washer at a restaurant, then I am not thinking clearly.

So I spent yesterday morning frantically job hunting. After poking around the job site for a while, I realised that I am only qualified for two things: libraries and IT. Well, Western Australia sucks for library jobs. The majority of positions are librarian level, which I won’t be for another two years. And the actual quantity of jobs is not great.

This meant that I was hunting in IT. Stupid,right? I’m already in an IT job, a wonderful IT job, and that’s the problem. Moving into another IT job isn’t going to solve my problem. But I looked around anyway and applied for a few. I even spoke to a recruiter who wants me to interview for another PHP Developer job at a different company. The pay would be better and it would be closer to home, but otherwise it would be potentially the same job for less understanding people.

That got me through until about midday. One of my colleagues saw that I was job hunting and asked me if I was sick of them. I told him that it was just something that I do and that I would likely be in my current role for another couple of years, to which he said he was glad because he liked working with people who knew what they were doing. I’m flattered that he thinks that but I don’t understand his basis for thinking that I know what I’m doing given that our work doesn’t cross very often. But I guess I should just learn to accept a compliment without scrutinising it.

At midday I decided that I was too sad and stressed to remain at work and went home. The recruiter I spoke to sent me a test for the other PHP Developer position to be done by Monday and I veged out on the couch to watch TV.

Then I decided I wanted ice cream. Now can you see why I suck? Yeah, I couldn’t let go of the idea and fetched my cards from the safe. Meanwhile my husband kept trying to talk me out of it which just made me feel worse. Then he told me that I was likely in ketosis because my breath smelled (a common side effect of ketosis which I usually use to tell me whether or not I am in it). I agonised. I had pretty much decided already that I was getting ice cream, but then I discovered that I had made it into ketosis! It made it so much harder.

One of the things that I have been hearing lately is that everyone has a finite amount of willpower, which is why we shouldn’t try to work so hard to make too many changes all at once. I felt like my willpower was waning, crumbling under the weight of my depression and the amount of willpower I had used over the Easter break.

I dropped my husband off at the train station so he could go to a kind of work related event, and went and got my ice cream. I ate it while watching TV and didn’t feel happy. All I felt was sick. After the ice cream was depleted, I seriously regretted my decision to go and get it. I ruined my diet and everything I had been working so hard for.

And I had been working so hard! I had been sticking to my diet for a while and walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I was pushing myself to succeed. And I was bloody succeeding. I guess if I had to analyse it now, I would have to think that maybe I had been pushing myself too hard. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the changes that I have made.

I went to bed super early. I was bored, the TV show I was watching had grown tiresome and my husband wouldn’t be home until late. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else, so before even 6pm I had taken my drugs and gone to bed. And then I didn’t get up when my alarm went off this morning. I couldn’t handle the idea of walking on the treadmill. I just wanted to nap. Normally I can get past this by telling myself that all I need to do is weigh myself, that I didn’t have to do the treadmill if I didn’t want to, but it didn’t work this time.

So that’s another reason why I suck. I’ve broken my little trend of walking on the treadmill in the morning in addition to failing at my diet. As I said earlier, I had ruined everything I had been working so hard for. And this is what tells me that I was pushing too hard. I was using too much of my willpower and it just gave out on everything.

I’m not giving up hope though. I didn’t gain any weight this morning, so it wasn’t as catastrophic as it could have been. And I still have the rest of my day to walk on the treadmill. Sure, I didn’t do it first thing in the morning while fasted, which is best for weight loss, but walking on the treadmill at all is better than not doing it. Or I might even try something different today, like yoga. There are a tonne of things I can do for twenty minutes today to count as my “conditioning.”

My husband is putting my cards back in the safe this morning so I don’t fail again in that area. I’m hoping that today will be easy enough due to the sickness I felt while eating the ice cream yesterday, but who knows? Now I have another four or so days before I can get back into ketosis again. I am pretty pleased I made it into it yesterday though. At least now I know that my drugs won’t keep me out of it. So now I just need to make it through the next four days and I can be back to dropping mass amounts of weight.

I guess I should stop beating myself up and take this as yet another learning experience. Obviously something has to change in order for me to succeed, and as usual, I think that thing should be me with a hobby to take up my time. Getting sad and bored is too common an occurrence for me and I can’t afford to fail each time that this happens. Writing seems to be hard for me at the moment, but I still think it’s my best avenue to a hobby. Maybe if I just let myself relax about what I’m writing, I will find it easier.

Today I am going to try and not think too much about my career. There’s nothing I can do about the library jobs until I hear back from any of them and I know that IT isn’t for me. It’s a long weekend, so I should just try to relax and not stress.

I mean, I know I did well at the individual activity in the interview at the university library, although I’m sure that everyone else probably did as good as well. And maybe the public library is just slow to contact people for interviews. I have no idea how long their process might take. So I may still be in with a chance! And if I’m really serious about getting back into libraries, maybe I can take a second, casual or part time job in libraries to give me recent experience. I’m sure my boss would be nice about me changing my hours again to accommodate this.

So there’s still hope. And I’m sure that there will continue to be jobs posted throughout the year, and next year. I can start applying for all in my level or lower and just be flexible with what I can accept. I’ll have a nice talk with my boss about my career and my goals towards it, and given that the work in my current job isn’t too intense or frequent, I’m sure he’ll be nice about it.

Okay, so I guess not thinking about my career isn’t going too well, but at least today I am more positive about it. And I am trying to remain positive about my diet as well. There’s nothing I can do about yesterday’s choices except learn from them, so I am going to work on bringing my hobby back to life and make good choices about food today. And possibly do some form of exercise today as well. I think exercising will get me back into ketosis sooner. Diet and exercise. Good combination.

Oh, so I’ve applied for advanced standing for my library course, which I mentioned. Unfortunately I have to buy a bloody academic transcript from the harder university so my units can be applied at the easier university. And the people who deal with this stuff were on holiday all this week, so they won’t post it until Monday. It annoys me because I don’t like waiting for things. I want to know now if my exemption will be able to be applied so I can plan out my studies for the next two years and determine just how much money I will need for it.

Speaking of, yesterday my junk food allowance obviously suffered another blow which will have to come out of my education fund. I need to avoid this in future if I have any hope of being able to afford my study and having my husband add extra funds in for the units I can’t afford to do. I’ve been giving some thought to this and the fact that I struggle so much about not getting ice cream.

Yesterday I considered if maybe I should allow myself a “cheat day” where I can have ice cream once a week or something, just so I don’t fail more regularly. If I do this, I should be able to afford it from my junk food budget without using my education funds. The downside is constantly falling out of ketosis. Obviously the weight loss will be much quicker and better if I avoid ice cream altogether. But is no ice cream for months really sustainable for me? As proved by yesterday, even in ketosis I long to eat ice cream.

I told my husband about my thought process yesterday and how my brain was telling me that I was going to fail anyway. To which he said that of course I’ll fail if I’m telling myself I will fail. I got upset with this because I know exactly what that means for me. If I think I’ll fail, I will fail, so obviously, I’m just going to continue to fail! I think it was an episode of Frasier where he was trying to learn to ride a bike, but kept running into a tree. He knew that if he kept thinking about the tree, he would ride into the tree. So he kept on riding into the damn tree.

It’s hard for me to really talk about because it’s morning, and morning is always positive for me right up until I am done with my blog entry. This means that I can’t relate to how I feel normally when I’m finding dieting to be hard. Right now all I want to say is that I will succeed because I really feel like I can succeed. But I know that the afternoon will be different. Maybe next time I’m craving ice cream I should write about it. I might be able to gain some sort of insight that I currently lack.

I guess I should end this entry and see what I can do about continuing to write after I’m done. Surely I can write about something. It shouldn’t be so damn hard, really. I just need to write about something that I care about, like maybe all the plans of my sanitisation.

So here’s me signing off yesterday as a failure, and today, hopefully, a success. Thanks for reading.

Sanitised and Grubby

Today’s weight: 89.4kg

Woo hoo, look at that weight loss! In two days I’ve lost 1.4kg. That’s awesome. And I credit it to the twenty minutes I spent on the treadmill yesterday morning.

This morning I did another twenty minutes on the treadmill, but it was a lot harder today. I don’t know why. I mean, I did up the incline a little, but is that really enough for how much harder it felt today? I don’t know. The point is, it was hard and I did it anyway. Sure, I got super stressed out trying to put the exercise mat away and ended up crying, but I got through my workout!

The job interview yesterday was interesting. There were nine of us in this group (missing one) and another afternoon group, so quite a few of us interviewing. It started off with an ice breaker activity, then we got split into two groups and were given a kind of case study to solve together: a bunch of clients coming up to the desk with various problems and we had to decide how we would help them and how we would prioritise them. Then there was an individual activity, a reference question that we had to solve using the library’s resources. Pretty sure I kicked butt at that one.

My old supervisor from the State Library was there, interviewing along with the rest of us. He seems like a nice guy and remembered a lot about my employment history because he finds it so interesting. It is a little sad that he was there though, applying for the same kind of level job I was. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t survive at that library after all.

Seeing my psychologist was also good. I told him about my employment situation and my feelings regarding my job, and the fear that I will never be happy in any job. He told me that if I was deluding myself into fantasising about this library job that he would call me on it, but he doesn’t think that I am deluding it and that there is a very good reason why the university libraries call to me.

We talked some about the two sides of me: the sanitised version and the “grubby” version. He said that the university library sounded like it appealed to both sides of me. He also said that while he didn’t know whether or not I would be happy in a public library that I should learn to trust my instincts about stuff like that.

He asked me about my mother. I told him about her unconditional love for her dog (something that she never provided to me, although I do believe that she deludes herself into thinking that she does love me unconditionally) and about something that happened when I visited my parents at Easter. My dad was asking her if she liked her Easter eggs, to which she said yes, and he said, “Well I haven’t gotten my kiss yet.” And she just walked off to another room. It seemed stupid to me, since my dad is the main perpetrator of my abusive childhood, but I felt really sad for him.

My psychologist noted that he could see some real feeling in me when I talked about this and said that my mother’s neglect of my father resonated with me because I could sympathise with my own neglect. That what I felt for my father at that point in time was what I am too scared to feel for myself. I got some really strong emotion when he said that, which abated quickly. But obviously I understand this to be very true.

I mentioned another instance when I felt such emotion. A year ago, my husband ran a conference and I attended the VIP party with him. The VIP tickets to the conference are at a ridiculous price which is only paid for by those whose work is paying for them to go. But there was an older man there who had paid for his own ticket because his websites had been hacked and he wanted to know why (it was a computer security conference). I felt really sad for him and ended up excusing myself from the party, not knowing what it was exactly that I was feeling. My psychologist said that again, this was me empathising with things that I can’t feel for myself, that I was experiencing being on the outside looking in.

As I mentioned earlier, we also discussed the two sides of me a fair bit. Mostly we discussed how boring and bland the sanitised version of me is and how the two sides need to come together for me to become a three dimensional woman. It’s really interesting, because it’s all about learning who I am, especially this “grubby” part of me.

Something that my psychologist thought was brilliant: after one of the times I complained about my addiction to ice cream, a friend of mine said that maybe I was craving flavour because my diet is so bland. He thought that it was a really apt example of the sanitised version of me: bland and seeking flavour. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today, but I’ve left parts of me behind, he says.

It’s very true. I am actually considering writing up a document about my daily routine, so I can see what I’m doing currently and work to improve it. I’ll probably share this document with you guys, just because having an audience compels me to write better. But I am working so hard on the sanitised version of me that I’m just not letting the grubby side of me in.

He says that I am allowed to hate things. I should be able to hate exercise and hate my diet and do it anyway. But instead I’m telling myself that I’m not supposed to hate these things, because they are the “correct” thing to do. He also says that I am allowed to hate my job and that I do deserve to work somewhere that doesn’t bore me.

I’m really liking this new psychologist. I think there is heaps for me to learn from him and I think he has very good insights into things that are outside my scope. He can see things in me that I can’t feel and therefore don’t know exists. I initially found this frustrating because I had nothing to input myself into these. It was like he was talking about someone else, someone I don’t know. And I was supposed to be able to talk about this person like I did know them, but just couldn’t.

Yesterday I felt connected. Yesterday I was able to talk about things that I did know and was able to recall memories to support the things that he said about me. When we talked about how bland the sanitised side of me is, I was able to recall a conversation that I’d had with my old psychologist. She’d asked me to describe the two parts of myself and while I don’t remember the grubby part of me right now, I could recall describing the sanitised part and how empty and boring that side was, lacking any personality.

The point is, yesterday’s session was really good and I’m hoping that future sessions can be the same. I am hoping that I’m getting over how awkward I usually feel when I’m there (he has a habit of just staring at me in silence when he’s thinking) and I hope that I can attend future sessions with the same “connectivity” that I did this one.

Knowing what I do now about these two sides of me, I feel a little lopsided. On one hand I feel like I am growing and improving every day, but I now know that this is only one side of me that is growing and improving. The grubby side of me remains left behind and undeveloped. But I don’t really know what to do about that. How can I grow and nurture something without sanitising it? I suppose I just need to learn to embrace this side of myself for what it is, to let the grubby stuff through.

So, I have my fingers crossed for this university library. They have to write a report apparently and will call us start of next week. I don’t have much hope though. I am competing with people who have much more experience than I do. And I don’t have much hope for the public library job either, given that I haven’t heard from them yet.

I am really beginning to doubt my ability to land a full time, or close to full time, library job at my level. Maybe I should accept a part time or casual role somewhere, just to get recent experience. I don’t know. I feel very downhearted about my library career prospects. I’m thinking that I likely won’t get a library job until I complete my postgraduate study in 2016.

Well, I guess I’m ending this post on a sad note. I feel pretty unenthused about my current job and don’t know how well I will succeed in finding a library role. Western Australia sucks for library positions, especially since I am not yet a qualified librarian. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

A Positive Start to the Day

Today’s weight: 90.1kg

Success! Getting rid of those Easter eggs on my desk yesterday was well worth it. If I had given in, I probably would have fetched my cards from the safe and gotten ice cream. But instead I persevered. Although… apparently the smell of home now makes me think of ice cream. Seriously, get home, open the door, and it was a powerful reminder of all the times I’ve arrived home with ice cream to eat. It was intense.

I purchased that Academy thing from NerdFitness.com. I read all of the lessons yesterday and then looked at the beginning of the workouts section. They recommend at least twenty minutes of “conditioning” per day (seven days a week, so not only do you have to do this on strength training days, but you also don’t get a rest day!) which is some type of cardio. They had a huge list of examples of cardio you can do, but their favourite is walking.

So I read the entry about walking. At first I was thinking that I could do that in the morning on the treadmill. But then they mentioned all the benefits of walking outside, so I thought maybe I should go for a stroll after work. But then I’d have to carry my iPod and my keys to get back in the house, and maybe my water bottle… And then I read that you should ideally be walking barefoot, or as close to barefoot as possible. Argh! They recommended a type of shoe and everything. And then they also mentioned that walking up hills first thing in the morning, before food, is ideal for fat burning.

So I got myself stuck in this loop of outside versus inside walking, whether or not I should get those shoes, am I doing it wrong if I don’t get the shoes? Surely any walking is a good step in the right direction, right? So this morning I did a twenty minute walk on my treadmill, and as I’ve written this I’ve now realised that I could have done that barefoot. Oh well.

The point is, I exercised this morning. I got up, weighed myself, got dressed, put down the exercise mat, and did twenty minutes of walking on the treadmill at an easy pace with a slight incline. Then I stretched, put the mat away, showered, and got ready for work. It was awesome. I can totally establish this as a new habit. I just need to ensure I get up at five every morning and the rest should get easier and easier the more I do it.

After I get into this new habit, the next thing to do is introduce strength training, which is my favourite type of training. The problem is that due to the twenty minutes on the treadmill, doing my strength training may make me late for work. I guess I’ll just have to try it and see. I can always get up even earlier (eek, 4:30!) or choose to start work later. But hey, maybe soon I will have a different job which will start later anyway.

I’m feeling pretty happy about this all right now. I’m proud of myself for getting rid of those Easter eggs, I’m proud of myself for not getting ice cream yesterday despite the intense reminder I had while walking through the door, I’m proud of myself for drinking almost two whole litres of water yesterday, and I’m proud of myself for doing my twenty minutes on the treadmill this morning. That’s a whole lot of proud!

I have to admit though, I lack confidence when it comes to doing exercises with proper form. I’ve never gotten the hang of the squat, so I usually use a fitball against the wall to do those. I’ve also now learnt just how deep a lunge is supposed to be. And push ups don’t seem to be as easy as I thought they were either. I’m thinking it might be worth using a personal trainer once or twice just to oversee my exercises and ensure that I’m performing them correctly.

My husband and I have discussed getting a rug. The worst part of exercising for me is the assembling and disassembling of the exercise mat every morning. It’s in eight jagged pieces which fit together and it sits in a tight little spot between the couch and the bookcase. That being said, it’s a really good exercise mat, nice and thick so it provides good support for any exercise where I’m kneeling or on my back. But I hate putting it together and taking it apart.

So my husband pointed out that if we got a nice, thick rug, I wouldn’t have to use the exercise mat anymore. Previously I’ve been against the idea of getting a rug as I like our nice tiled floor, but maybe getting a rug would be a good idea if it provides enough support for exercise. I hope we can agree on a design.

Today is my job interview. I’ve been thinking about it on and off since getting the call for it, and I honestly cannot work out what kind of questions they are going to ask. I mean, an interview is usually a one-on-one deal where specific questions are asked of you. What is going to happen during a group interview? Do they ask the same questions and have each of us answer in turn? Honestly, I’m really sceptical about this method of interviewing for a job. I don’t imagine that it will go well.

I haven’t heard about the public library job yet. After reading my entry yesterday, my husband pointed out that it sounded like I would be really unhappy in a public library. I don’t know. There are aspects of it I would like, and aspects that I think I would prefer to stay away from. I have no idea if the negative aspects of the job would be all-consuming, or if I would be happy just to be in a library again.

My husband suggested that a good way to work out if I would like to work there would be to go and visit the library during the day. I could see what kind of customers they have and scope out the environment. It sounds like a good idea.

What I really want to do before working at another library, I think, is to somehow be happy in my current job. I know that if I am unhappy at work, that changing jobs won’t solve it. There is something fundamentally wrong with me if I can’t be content with where I am working at the moment. Especially given how nice this job is.

I’ll be finishing work super early today to attend my job interview, then afterwards I think I will probably go home and write and/or read. It would be nice to be writing again, I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve really been able to sit down and work on a piece of fiction. But I guess reading will be just as good. I’m glad that I have been able to do this now. Reading is important to me.

I also see my new psychologist today. At some point I should probably stop calling him my new psychologist and merely refer to him as the psychologist. I’m actually a little worried about today. My old psychologist works in the same building as the new psychologist, and the only day she is there is Wednesday. I am worried that I will run into her and that it will be awkward. And if my sessions with the new psychologist continues to be on Wednesdays, that only increases the chances that I will run into her eventually. Curse my methods of ending it. If I had ended our association in person, I probably wouldn’t be so stressed out by the notion of running into her.

I think today that I will talk about my job in counselling. I really want to be able to be happy in my current job, especially if the library jobs fall apart and I don’t get either of them. I may well be here for another two years, so it would be nice if I can find a way to be happy with what I do. There are seriously so many reasons that I should be happy here.

  • I got to dictate my hours, meaning that I start and finish early with plenty of room for medical appointments (and non-medical ones like getting my hair done).
  • I say good morning and goodbye to my team and the manager of another team every day.
  • My boss knows that I suffer from depression and is totally understanding if I feel I need to go home early or work from home due to it.
  • I am coding, which is something that I kind of enjoy.
  • I am in a position of great responsibility.
  • The pay is good enough to cover the mortgage and pay for my education.
  • I have a parking bay, which combined with my early hours makes getting to and from work easy.
  • I get to keep Daleks on my desk.
  • There is a water dispenser to refill my water bottle with clean water.
  • I get to attend a meeting almost every week (meetings are a great way of passing the time).
  • I can do whatever whacky stuff with my hair I want.
  • There is casual wear on Fridays.
  • There is a social club that runs activities and other IT staff are friendly enough to invite everyone out for lunch every Friday.
  • My boss understands that I’m not an expert and helps me out when I need assistance.

See? Plenty of reasons for me to like it here. And I know that when I was unemployed, coming back here was my ideal job. As for the things I don’t like about my job…

  • I don’t like doing support, even upper level support like I’m supposed to be doing.
  • I don’t enjoy troubleshooting bugs.
  • I’m not interested in IT at all.
  • I don’t really enjoy “problem solving” coding.
  • I don’t feel that my work takes enough of my attention, leaving me to sit and stare at the time and wish I could go home.
  • I’m not confident about my ability to troubleshoot problems.

A much smaller list than the positive one, to be sure. But isn’t the negative list more fundamental to my happiness? Shouldn’t I be passionate about the work I’m doing? Shouldn’t I enjoy the tasks that I perform on a daily basis? Don’t I deserve to be in a role that makes the time fly past?

This is something that my husband and I discuss regularly. I have mentioned before my fears that I will never find a job that makes me happy. There is part of me that is scared that I will land a library job, do work that I find interesting, but still find that the time just drags by. Maybe there is no such task that takes all of my attention. Sure, writing this blog entry does, but nothing else seems to fit the bill.

I am pretty damn nervous about this job interview. A part of me is still convinced that to work in a university library is ideal. Better yet, to work in a library that is north of me so the traffic is never too bad. Parking that I can source from my own husband as he works at this university. There might be a gym on campus that I could join. I might end up doing really great work in accessioning or cataloguing books or something. I might be able to volunteer for committees again. There are so many positives to me in working at a university library again. So yeah, I’m nervous because the interview might suck and I might end up with nothing.

I also had a weird sensation yesterday. From the time I left work, I felt like I was doing something wrong. Specifically, I had the feeling that I was going to drive down the entrance of the parking lot and find myself cornered by a car coming in. I know, it’s a very specific wrong feeling, isn’t it? But it persevered all the way home. And to make matters worse, I got paranoid about staying in between the lines as I was driving, which I think makes me scared of crashing into other cars. It was pretty horrible.

I don’t believe in any form of magic or sixth sense or anything, but a part of me can’t help wondering if it’s somehow a premonition. Today especially, I may wind up getting trapped exiting the parking lot as I’m leaving work so early today that others may still be getting in. Or I might have a hard time parking at the university library for my interview. Or maybe I will have trouble parking outside my psychologist’s building. I don’t know, I just feel like something to do with my car might go wrong today, all because of that horrible feeling yesterday. Stupid, isn’t it?

Oh well. All I can really do is sit here with anxiety like a knot in my gut. I should do my best to focus on something else this morning so I don’t obsess about the interview. I haven’t done any preparation at all… what kind of preparation can you do for a job interview? I guess all I need to do is get my story straight, especially about the time I spent unemployed. I just hope they don’t ask for specifics when I mention that my unemployment was for “health reasons.”

All that aside, today definitely started well, with my awesome weight loss and my ability to exercise this morning. Hopefully this awesomeness will follow me for the rest of the day and I will have good things to report tomorrow. Hopefully. So nervous!

Making My Future Happen

Today’s weight: 90.8kg

Well, I made a start at least. I got up at 5am, weighed myself, got dressed in my exercise gear, put out the exercise mat, and did a five minute warm up on the treadmill. While walking on the treadmill (which is so boring) I thought that I probably couldn’t handle jogging yet and it’s more important for me right now to get into the routine of morning exercise, rather than pushing myself to do all the things now. So, after my warm up, I did my stretching, packed everything away, got undressed, and had my shower.

Okay, I do feel a little crappy that I didn’t push myself the way I was supposed to, but it was still more exercise than I normally do in the morning. And I figure a couple of weeks of this should get me into the habit. The actual workouts can come later.

When I got to work this morning, there were Easter eggs on my desk. That’s awfully sweet of someone to do, but after getting through this whole long weekend without proper chocolate – yikes! I just put them in the kitchen for my colleagues to eat. Hopefully they’ll be gone before I can talk myself into getting them back. Had to do it while I was still strong. Maybe it would be better for me if I threw them away…

I did some reading yesterday. Rejoice! I did have a little trouble focusing while my husband had the TV going, but I did pretty damn good and read for the majority of my day. I’ve gotten back into the story I’m reading and I feel positive about this. Hopefully I can get through the nine books on my “Currently Reading” list and finally be allowed to start a new book.

I’m glad that I did something other than watch TV yesterday. Life is boring when all you do is vege out on the couch all day. After writing my blog entry in the morning, I spent the afternoon reading A Feast for Crows (again) and finally watched TV in the evening.

My husband and I both ended up going to bed super early. By super early, I mean 7pm. Yeah, that early. But we spent a while on our phones doing stuff and my husband listened to his audio book, which meant of course that I also listened to his audio book. I guess that’s kind of cool. It’s a book I’ve read before, The Handmaid’s Tale, and I’m interested in hearing it again.

Sometime after I fell asleep my husband must have gotten up again as stuff in the lounge room was moved around and the TV was pointed to a different TV show from the one I watched before bed. I know he quite often stays up late and usually remains in bed while I get ready and go to work. It’s a little bit of a shame to be on a different schedule from each other, but we still spend time together, so it’s all good.

I’m disappointed by my weight this morning, but I probably expected this. My husband made keto-friendly crackers again (this time with much less salt) and the same dip that his mother made for us the day before. I also had a keto-friendly chocolate bar and a small Coke Zero. I did pretty well with it, I think. A few days previous I had overindulged on the chocolate bars and pre-made shakes, but yesterday I managed to survive with the one chocolate bar eaten around midday.

Today is back to “Sole Source,” which essentially means that I am on shakes and water only (and fibre, which goes into my breakfast shake). Hopefully this means that the rest of this week will be weight loss and I can make my 90kg goal next Monday. I am pretty sick of my weight fluctuating and am really looking forward to the losses. As I’ve mentioned, I’m taking drastic measures today, having had my husband put my credit and debit cards into the safe along with all the cash. I’m hoping for today to be easy given the weekend I’ve survived without ice cream, but I honestly don’t know.

I think today I may buy that academy from NerdFitness.com. It does have a lifetime money back guarantee, so I guess I can always change my mind if I end up not liking it. I do really like reading about nutrition and exercise though. Scratch that, I just checked and I need my credit card to make the purchase. Maybe I’ll get my card details from my husband.

My job interview is tomorrow. I’m pretty nervous about it. As I’ve mentioned before, the hair should make me stand out at least, so all I need to do is exude confidence and not sit there silently like I do for everything else. I honestly have no idea how it’s going to go given that it’s a “group interview.” What kind of questions will they ask? Will they expect everyone to answer in turn? It seems really stupid to me. What kind of information can you really hope to get out of people if you interview groups at a time? Silly.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I really want the public library job rather than the university library. My happiest jobs were in university libraries, that’s true, and I don’t honestly know if I can be happy in a public library. Dealing with the general public can be terrible sometimes, but I’m hoping that the library I applied to is in a nice enough area that the general public received there won’t be too bad.

Another positive about the public library is the hours. It’s full time, which means that it will pay enough for our mortgage and my education fund, but it also has a Thursday evening every second week (so start around midday and ending at night) and a Saturday every second week which means getting a Rostered Day Off. This is great because that means that I can still attend my medical appointments during work hours on those days when I either start late or have the day off.

The public library is also north of where I live, meaning that the traffic shouldn’t be too bad getting there and back. The area, as I mentioned, is nice with lots of shops and things around it. I’d probably get a uniform, which would be kind of cute. I wouldn’t be in a senior role, so I have people to go up to if I get a troublesome client or a difficult question.

Okay, time to list the downsides I guess. As I mentioned, it’s a role that deals with the general public, which could potentially mean homeless and crazy people. The environment will be small, a small public library as compared to a big university library, so I might feel a little claustrophobic about the entire thing. The uniform might be ugly. They might not like my hair to be crazy colours.

Oh, another upside is that I should get to participate in a large variety of tasks since it is a small library. So rather than a university library where I would be working on a very specific aspect of the library, I should get the chance to participate in all the steps of a library process: ordering books, accessioning them, doing interlibrary loans, using social media to promote library services.

A downside is the services. Services in a public library can include story time for children, information and computer literacy for adults, local history stuff… Honestly, I find things like that to be suffocating. It makes me feel like I’m working in a small, suffocating environment. I like working for big places, big corporations. Small things make me feel trapped. I’m not sure how long I could survive there before feeling like I need to get out. But for all I know, maybe I won’t feel that way after all. Maybe it will be a nice place with a nice environment and I can assure myself at least that I would be part of a bigger system, because I would still be part of the larger council and other branch libraries.

The university library, on the other hand, would probably be good for me. I like to feel like I’m an important part of a bigger whole. I like that it takes whole teams to run the place and there is room to branch out into other areas and things to volunteer for. I like being part of a large workplace and university libraries don’t have a uniform.

The reason that I’m not thrilled about the idea of working in the university library though is the hours. There are two part time roles – three days a week ongoing, and four days a week until December – and four casual positions which I believe would be one weekend day, and a half day during the week. I definitely can’t afford to do the ongoing role on its own and I would only just be able to afford the December role, but not enough to pay what we currently pay on the mortgage, and certainly not enough for my education funds. In essence, I can’t afford either role unless I also take a casual role.

In the ongoing role this could be good. It means that I would work three and a half days during the week and one weekend day (which would be a shame as it means I might miss out on weekend things planned by friends). Obviously, this means that I could still attend medical appointments during the weekdays that I don’t work.

The December role probably wouldn’t work for me. They can’t give me more than 37.5 hours per week, so they wouldn’t be able to give me the half day during the week. I would work four days a week and one weekend day, so I would essentially be full time, but one of those days would always fall on the weekend. Plus I know that this role is not going to be renewed next year because the person the role belongs to will be back.

So the university library is really only doable for me if I get the ongoing role and a casual role. I don’t know the likelihood of getting this. My prediction is that I will get offered a casual role on its own. Or the December role, which I still can’t really afford to do.

I don’t know why, but I somehow feel like the public library is more realistic than the university library. I feel like me getting the ongoing role at the university is far less likely than me getting the one job going at the public library. Maybe I think that better people will apply for the university library role than the public one. People with more experience than me.

I think it is far more likely that I will get neither. My only recent library experience is a two month stint last year. I work in IT with a Bachelor of Computer Science. They’ll probably think that either I don’t have enough recent experience, or that I am overqualified by my degree. The former is probably most likely.

I guess all I can do is hope. I’m hoping that this week I will get offered an interview at the public library. I will of course also keep an eye out for any other library jobs at my qualification level. Theoretically, I could wind up stuck in my current job for a couple of years. I might not get a new library job until I have completed my Graduate Diploma and can apply for jobs at a higher qualification level. Those jobs are more common anyway, and I would be a recent graduate who actually has some experience.

Last year I thought about what I would do after my library degree and determined that I would probably apply for the twelve month internship at the State Library. I could get a year of experience there and use that to apply for university library roles. That could still be a thing, but I’d have to get really good grades for it I think. They only take one person a year.

I am a little scared, honestly. I am worried that I have stepped into the wrong career and am stuck here. I worry that my library experience will only go further and further into my past, making it less and less likely that someone in a library will want to hire me. And we all know horror stories about completing a degree and finding no one who wants to hire you as a recent graduate. I might end up doing this degree and getting nothing for it.

My worries are not unfounded. Last year I applied for a great public library job that I thought I was ideal for: an e-specialist librarian. I thought that my recent experience in IT coupled with my library history might have at least scored me an interview, but they didn’t want to talk to me at all. I also applied for a library technician role at a university library either that year or the year before. There were two roles going, but they didn’t even want to interview me.

So I guess the question I need to ask myself is: can I survive being in this job for however long it takes to score a library again? There’s plenty of reasons for me to stay in this job. The pay is good, not the highest, or even second highest I have ever earned, but it’s enough to cover the mortgage and put me through university. My boss is nice and understanding of my health issues. The work is easy enough and I have the support I need to carry out tasks. I was free to choose my own hours which means that I avoid the traffic and have time for my medical appointments. The people are nice.

Plenty of reasons for me to stay, right? The only negative thing I have to say about this job is that it bores me. The work isn’t interesting enough to get me through the hours that I spend here each day. I rarely have tasks that take all of my attention, meaning that I am always looking at the time and wishing I could go home already. I just don’t care about IT. I don’t care about the system I am supposed to be looking after. I don’t have much interest in computers at all.

There is a chance that this could change. Once I get down to few enough service desk tickets, I think my boss will let me work on the new system that these guys have made. My husband says that maybe working on this new system will make me happy. I don’t know though. I don’t know if I can make myself care about it.

I guess that whatever happens, happens. I have my interview tomorrow and hopefully another one in my near future. I am taking steps to get myself qualified as a librarian. I am doing the small things that are within my own power to make my future happen. All I can do now is cross my fingers and my toes, and do my best in any interviews that I get. Hire me, damnit!

Exercise and Nutrition

Today’s weight: 90.6kg

Argh, I feel like I’m getting nowhere. This dieting stuff is hard work and I’m getting no reward from it. My husband tells me not to worry about my weight this long weekend since the aim is to get me off junk food rather than weight loss, but still…

I didn’t wake up and exercise this morning. I slept in. Rather than let that affect the rest of my week, however, I am just going to try again tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll have to get up early for work, so I shouldn’t have any excuse to not exercise, other than lack of motivation. Yeah, I don’t know how that will go.

I took all of my credit and debit cards out of my purse and handed them over to my husband. He’s going to put them in the safe along with all of the cash in the house. I can get hold of the combination if I need to, but it will be hard work, so hopefully I won’t feel that motivated to go and get ice cream.

I moved all of my goals down by another week since this morning I was 0.6kg off my goal for today. Now I have one week to lose that 0.6kg, so I should totally kill it. Normally I would get depressed and cancel all of my goals rather than just move them down a week, but I’m trying to remain positive about this. After today, which will only be one keto-friendly bar and some Coke Zero, I should be back to losing weight.

Back to work tomorrow. I’m not fond of the idea really, but it may help with dieting. Or it may make it worse since I still have the habit of getting ice cream on the way home. No idea what it’s going to be like. I just hope I can avoid getting too depressed while I’m there. Depression leads to ice cream!

My water intake got a lot better yesterday, but that’s mostly due to the super salty keto-friendly crackers that my husband made to go with a dip his mother made for us. I ended up gulping down heaps of water, then I had two extra shakes. Now I only have enough pre-made shakes for my work days over the next two weeks.

Exercise is a bit of a consideration for me. There are plenty of ways to go about it, endless routines that I could choose to do. Previously I have been following the workout plans in Michelle Bridges’ Crunch Time, but those exercises are hard core. Back when I did follow them for a few weeks, I would quite often end up dry retching and crying. It was hell.

The exercises that I’m choosing to follow now are from NerdFitness.com. They are a lot less demanding, and the people who run that site are fans of making small, sustainable changes, rather than just going full pelt. There’s an academy they have which is like an interactive eBook that I am considering buying. The only reason that I haven’t yet is because it would come out of my “whacky schemes” budget and leave it near zero. What if I find another whacky scheme that I want to do?

There are plenty of reasons for me to start exercising. If I’m dieting correctly, exercise will only help the weight loss and tone up my body. It’s part of a nice, healthy routine and it has anti-depressant effects. I know that exercise can only ever be a positive thing to implement. One friend of mine on Facebook once said that I would never regret it.

Tomorrow will be interval sprints, which is a little scary. The idea is that you do about two minutes at a gentle pace (so probably a brisk walk for me as a beginner) and then ramping it up for thirty seconds. The full workout has six intervals which increase in intensity each time, but I probably won’t make it that far at the start.

My alternate days consist of a beginner body weight workout. It’s super easy: squats, push ups, lunges, dumbbell rows and planking. There’s also supposed to be Jumping Jacks, but there’s no way in hell I’m doing those as I’m starting out. I figure I can add them in later, when I get used to exercising in the mornings. I’m also making the squats a bit easier on myself by using a fitball against the wall so I don’t feel like I’m going to fall over.

I don’t know how long I’ll do this routine for. The most important thing is just to get myself moving first thing in the morning. Maybe once I’m used to the exercises I will buy the academy from NerdFitness.com and introduce new exercises.

I can’t help but feel that exercise is one of those “not fair” deals. When I’m crying during my workouts, all I can think is that it’s not fair that I have to do this. Other people get along fine without exercise, why can’t I be like them? I guess I really need to work on my mindset so that I’m thinking of it as a positive thing to introduce into my life. I should think of it as “want to” rather than “have to.”

Lots of people exercise, right? Healthy people who weigh the right amount. It just becomes part of their lives, doesn’t it? All I can think is that maybe one day I will be like, “Meh” and fall into unhealthy habits again. I’ll skip a workout one morning to sleep in, go and buy some ice cream, and before I know it, I’ll be obese again with an ice cream addiction.

How often do we see people who lose weight stack it all back on again? I remember reading an interview from a guy who did the Australian Biggest Loser and he mentioned that just about all of the contestants had put the weight back on again. I have friends who have lost weight before and put it back on again. At present, I only know of one person so far who has managed to keep it off so far, but he sticks really well to his diet and exercise.

My Cambridge consultant says that maintaining weight is easy. I do agree a little – I’ve been stuck around the same weight for months now. But that’s been while attempting to diet and giving in to junk food. To lose weight is the hard part. That’s when you really have to kick it into gear and do the hard work.

I guess all I can hope for is establishing a healthy diet when I’ve reached my goal weight. It’s no big secret, after all. You eat as close to nature as possible, avoid processed foods where you can, and you won’t even have to watch your calories and portions because your body, which you should get in tune with, does it all for you. Desserts should be fruit. Protein should come from meat and milk. Your plate should always be stacked with vegetables. It’s simple.

The hard part for me is the vegetables. I’m so much of a child when it comes to this. I tried a vegetable curry a few months ago and just couldn’t handle it. I can only eat vegetables if it’s in the same mouthful as meat. I made my husband laugh at one point by referring to vegetables as “the stuff that goes around the meat.” I need a slow introduction to healthy eating, I think. I still need to develop my own palate and learn to eat vegetables on their own.

There are days when this seems impossible. How do I fight over 25 years of poor nutrition? How can I expect to grow new habits in a system that has survived for so long? I learned poor nutrition at a young age. My mother gave me Coke to take to school when I was in Kindergarten, so I never learned to drink water. I don’t recall what she gave me for lunch at that age, but I know that it was mostly just Vegemite or peanut butter sandwiches when I was older. Eating vegetables for dinner was a battle that I always won. Nutrition was non-existent when I was a child.

When I moved out of home, I ate only what I wanted to eat, so things like chips and chocolate. When I was poor this was fine. I could only afford to get so much so I was skinny, despite the food I ate. When I was earning a decent income, this became worse and I started slowly gaining all the weight that I have now. I have never had a healthy diet in my life.

The notion of a healthy diet is months away from me at the moment. As I’ve mentioned before, I am currently on a diet which does meal replacement shakes. Honestly, right now I am probably the healthiest I have ever been thanks to all the vitamins and minerals in the shakes. My old psychologist wasn’t a fan of it though. She couldn’t imagine going for months without eating vegetables.

I have tried healthy diets before. Lite ‘n Easy are a good source of healthy food all packaged for convenience. I have tried to do that before, but the weight loss is just so slow and it doesn’t help with the desire for junk food.

My current diet is actually a six step plan, which slowly introduces foods by adding in one meal at a time. This is good for me as I’ve never been in the habit of preparing my own food. I can learn to do this slowly, getting in the habit of grocery shopping, preparing meals in the evenings. Breakfast is super easy – I could likely just eat cereal or porridge with no problems. Dinner is where the hard work takes place, but after I get used to it, I can add lunch preparation in there and have my three meals a day.

What I really need to do is be as sugar free as I can be. I obviously have a huge problem with it which would only follow me regardless of my eating plans. I need to establish myself as the kind of person who doesn’t eat chocolate or ice cream. But the scary part is the thought of how easily I could get myself addicted to it again. One slip up at a party might lead to me buying something on the way home, which could lead to cravings the next day.

Honestly, I feel so helpless. I can’t imagine myself ever being strong enough to avoid desserts at parties, or to only have one treat a week or something. I guess that’s addiction though. I still have times where I wish I smoked cigarettes. People have smoked near me and I have been tempted to ask for one, but avoid it because I know that I wouldn’t enjoy it and it might just lead me instantly back to being a smoker again.

Sugar is such a commonly accepted thing though. I would always be surrounded by people who eat the cake at a party and put sugar into their coffees. There will always be well-meaning colleagues who bring their baked treats into work. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to be strong enough.

Oh well, for now I should think of the short term. I am avoiding sugar because I want to lose weight, that is my goal. Future nutrition can be considered later. So here goes another day without ice cream. Woo.

Slow Days, Fast Weeks

Today’s weight: 90.4kg

I actually ate a lot of food yesterday, but it was all keto-friendly stuff. Today will be another day of keto-friendly food in order to get through Easter. We’re visiting my parents today and my husband’s mother and sister. Chocolate, chocolate, everywhere.

Tomorrow I’m due to start exercising again. I have no idea how that’s going to go. It’s hard for me to get that balance of pushing myself while still being kind to myself. I should be able to manage though. It’s a public holiday, so I have all the time in the world. Plus it’s morning. Morning is a good time for me these days.

I did end up writing yesterday, but not nearly as much as I was hoping to. My husband said that if I wrote a story instead of my blog entries, I’d have a novel done in a month. Haha. Yeah, well that’s assuming that I write a story as much as I write these entries.

I don’t know why I’m finding writing fiction to be so difficult. I can write heaps when I’m doing a blog entry. But when it comes to fiction I wind up just staring at my screen, lost in my own thoughts. Meh.

I’m still using My Fitness Pal to track my food and weight. And I guess from tomorrow I’ll also be using it to track my exercise. I guess it’s useful in a way. I’m all for having historical data available to me. That’s one of the reasons I write so much when I do my blog entry. I like to be able to look back several months and see exactly what was going on for me at that time.

So what’s going on for me today? Well, I’m thinking about my weight, which I do a lot. Specifically, I’m wondering if I can hit tomorrow’s goal of 90kg. I don’t think it’s likely since I’ll be eating food today. But I can always try. As long as I don’t put on weight tomorrow, I think I’ll leave that goal where it is and try for the next one next week.

I’m thinking about my library studies a little. It annoys me a little that I have to wait for next semester to start before I can get started on my course work. The unit I’m doing next semester only runs in semester two, so even with my sneaky methods of getting course material early, I can’t do so for this unit. I also have my fingers crossed about advanced standing, but I have the feeling that my unit exemption is not going to apply, meaning that I will still have to do an elective.

My husband and I discussed children yesterday when I mentioned that I’ll be giving my sister and her kids a lift to my parents’ today. My husband hates children. Like, really just hates everything about them. I don’t really share his view, but I don’t like how dirty they get. I’m not sure I could ever have a child of my own. It would be a lot of work.

I haven’t been drinking enough water. I get through most of my one litre bottle before lunch time, but after lunch I struggle to drink any. It’s all to do with sugar. Maybe. Actually, the most water I drink is when I’m writing my blog entry. I pause constantly to take drinks of my water while I’m writing. Just like I take lots of drinks when I’m in counselling because I use my water bottle as my safety line when I’m there.

My next counselling appointment is Wednesday, which is the same day as my job interview for that university library. In a way I guess I kind of look forward to it, but I’m still not comfortable with my new psychologist. It’s getting better, and he is nice. He’s just very different from me. He’s very abrasive, swears regularly and has a kind of “no bullshit” approach. I think I have a lot that I can learn from his attitude.

I’m not really looking forward to the job interview. I’m probably going to be nervous with all those people there and I don’t think it’s likely that they’ll offer me the job that I really want. So I guess I’m kind of already going in with a defeated attitude. And I have to take time off my current job to attend. Seems like a waste.

But hey, what do I know? Maybe they will offer me the job that I want. Maybe I can pretend to be confident and answer all of their questions positively and win them over with my smile. At the very least my hair makes me stand out, so I guess they’ll notice me. I have no idea what I’ll do if they ask me about changing my hair colour to something more work friendly. Do I really want a library job that badly?

So that’s the middle of my week. There’s a public holiday Monday and Friday next week, meaning that there’s really only three days of work, one of which will be taken up by my job interview. Hopefully I can make it through the week unscathed, but which I mean not bored and sticking to my diet. I’ll probably ditch my cards at home again so I can’t buy ice cream on the way home. After this week though, I should be pretty much over it.

Next weekend I’m going bowling with some friends. And maybe playing pool, because I’m so good at that, haha. But that should be fun. And it’s low key. Big events tend to make me think about eating food, whereas this should be just fine.

I am all too aware that I’m talking about this from the positive me perspective. Who knows? Maybe I will find bowling and pool really difficult without food. Maybe going next week without ice cream won’t make my afternoons and evenings any easier. I know that I suffered yesterday, but at least I suffered with keto-friendly chocolate instead of ice cream. And today should be the same.

My husband and I were talking about food yesterday, obviously, and how dieting should be easy because it’s essentially doing nothing. Like, really, all I have to do is not eat. That should be the easiest thing in the world, right? I am not oblivious to this when I do fail and go out to get ice cream. It does strike me very much just how much effort it is to fail my diet. But not eating can feel like the hardest thing in the world.

At least tomorrow I’ll be doing exercise which is at least being active about my weight issue. I’d get to actually do something tangible towards my weight loss rather than just avoiding food and only counting it as a victory the next day when I can say, “Hey, I only ate this many things!” I know that getting active again is going to be really hard for me, but I think I can do it. I’ll just take my time getting ready and not push myself too hard.

I know I talk about dieting a lot. But honestly, it is my biggest focus right now. I have been obese for far too long and I really want to change that. It seems like some kind of fantasy when I imagine ever being thin, but I’m going to make that fantasy a reality! I will continue working towards my goals, push myself to get over this damn sugar addiction, and one day be able to say that I am in my healthy weight range.

I used to avoid mentioning my weight because I didn’t want to draw attention to it. Like somehow you guys wouldn’t all see how fat I was if I didn’t talk about it. The reason I talk about it so much now is because I want to change it. I don’t want to be an obese person anymore. I want to be someone who is losing weight, and then be someone who is healthy. I feel like my obesity is a defining characteristic of me, and that is just horrible.

And the healthy thing isn’t just skin deep. I don’t want to just look like a healthy person. I want to be healthy inside as well, which includes my body and my mind. I want to be someone who eats right, exercises regularly, and is able to manage her own moods. I have come so far as a person, it’s like the finishing line is finally in view. My psychiatrist may tell me that I have about another five or six years ahead of me medication-wise, and I may continue to be in therapy for long after that, but I am getting so much better.

I still get depressed. And getting depressed still makes me want food. But I feel like the degree of depression is much less than it used to be. Hell, it’s been ages since I last cried at work. So yeah, I am getting there.

Honestly, the main negative thing in my life at the moment is my relationship with food. I really felt its negative influence yesterday as I craved sugar and overindulged on the keto-friendly chocolates and extra diet shakes. It was like this huge, unavoidable blemish in a life that is otherwise great. Sure, I may still watch TV far too much because I don’t have the motivation to do anything else, but at least my mornings are great now.

Maybe I can keep extending the morning good time until it encompasses my whole day. The first step toward doing that is to find something positive to do when my blog entry is all written. And that positive thing may be writing. If I can get myself writing after my blog entry in the mornings, maybe I can prolong this positive version of me for a while.

Someone said something on Facebook a while ago which really stuck with me. It was something like: days drag by but the weeks go past so quickly. (I just tried to Google for the quote and got results for weight loss and zombies, ha.) It’s so very true for me. I feel like each day is so hard to get through, the minutes and hours drag by, but somehow I blink and it’s gone from January to April so fast. All I can think is, “If I had stuck to my diet in January, I’d be so close right now.”

So I guess that’s my theme for now. Days are slow, but weeks are fast. If I can just push myself through the day, then my goals will get so much closer. This is positive me, signing off.

My Job History

Today’s weight: 90.9kg

Yesterday I weighed 91kg, so it’s a little bit of loss. Thursday night I ate a bunch of food. I won’t go into specifics anymore (it’s all on My Fitness Pal anyway), but suffice it to say that I felt that horrible empty feeling you get when you really want something that you’re addicted to. In my case, sugar.

For this long weekend, my husband and I are supporting each other to get through without food. Or at least minimal food. Yesterday I ate some peanut butter and a fried egg. That’s a hell of a lot better than ice cream though and may even work within my diet. Today I might be having a keto-friendly chocolate bar, depending on if the store sells them.

I’m enrolled in the Graduate Diploma of Science at the easier university. Quick, huh? I applied Wednesday night and was enrolled in my first unit on Thursday. Last night I applied for advanced standing, so if at least one of them gets approved, I should be done midway through 2016. But that’s based on my current income (a library job would pay about $3K less per year) and on my husband adding extra income into my education fund.

I feel positive about this. My first unit will be the most fun; it’s about the cataloguing and classification of library materials. The other units should be interesting as well though. The harder university I was dreading the start of study, but for this university I’m looking forward to doing library stuff again. I hope this enthusiasm can see me through this degree.

I might do some writing today. A friend of mine was mentioning on Facebook recently that he’s been writing without a plot all planned out and just seeing what happens. I think I might give that a go since I’ve been having such trouble with the stories that I do have planned out. It could be interesting to see what occurs naturally.

My husband and I decided to postpone our trip to Norway and Germany. We’ll be going around January or February of 2015 instead, when it’s winter over there. Mostly the reason for this is because we don’t know what’s going to happen with me getting a new job, and if I do get a new job soon, I won’t have the required leave saved up to go in June/July.

By the time we go on holiday, I should be at my healthy weight. If I follow my super positive weight loss plan, I should reach my goal weight in August, but that’s assuming no plateaus, so not likely. I guess September should be a good estimate. Five months to lose 31kg. Think I can do it? I’ve got no idea. It really depends on me not getting ice cream anymore and I just don’t know if I can do that. I’m sick of dieting though. I’m sick of getting nowhere in my weight loss. If I can just get through this long weekend without ice cream, I should be able to maintain this.

Anyway, the reason I mentioned being my healthy weight for the holiday is because I’ve decided to do my winter clothes shopping over there. Norway is so expensive that Norwegians apparently go to other countries to buy clothes, so I think we’ll be going to Germany first to buy clothes, and then to Norway to wear the clothes! Hopefully it should be relatively cheap.

I’ve mentioned the different versions of me before, right? Like how a 10pm me sets an alarm but the 5am me snoozes? I feel like I always have at least two selves. There’s the version of me in the morning who writes this blog entry and feels positive about losing weight. But then in the afternoon the other me sets in, who feels that dieting is too hard and she’ll never make it. I wish one could talk to the other.

So currently I am the positive version of me. I know that if I can muscle through this weekend, then I should slip into ketosis and find this whole dieting thing much easier. I don’t have any big plans for the next five months, so there’s no reason for me to go off the diet at all. Can I really do this? Can I really survive five months of just shakes?

Then there’s the negative version of me. She feels like dieting is so hard and that it will never get any easier. She says there’s no way in hell I could possibly survive five months with no food. She tells me that giving in and eating ice cream is inevitable and I should just give up. In her mind, there is no hope of ever being free from my sugar addiction.

I started watching a new show with my husband last night called Hart of Dixie. It seems like a pretty good show, but more importantly, I haven’t yet eaten ice cream while watching it, so it doesn’t trigger the desire for food. That’s what I need to do: surround myself with busy-making stuff that doesn’t remind me of ice cream.

I’ve mentioned these before I’m pretty sure, but there are essentially two elements to dieting for me. First up is staying hydrated. Months ago, when my addiction was a particular block of chocolate from the IGA near my work, I usually gave in when I was feeling thirsty. When I struggle to drink water, I want something else to drink, and all of my non-water drinks are loaded with sugar. But I couldn’t possibly just have the drink. I’d have to buy sugar snacks too, because in my mind, if I’ve given in a little, I should give in the whole way.

The second element is remaining busy. If I am doing something that takes up my attention, there’s no room for me to want ice cream or other sugary treats. Keeping myself busy makes the day go faster and it keeps me in a better mood. I think a huge thing for me is getting to the night time without wanting ice cream. If I can get to the time of taking my night time drugs without wanting ice cream, then I know that I can survive until bed time.

Speaking of drugs, I forgot to take my night time drugs on Thursday. Seriously, five/six years of not missing a single dose, and now I’ve done it twice within the same month. It’s terrible. I can see how it happened though. I bought a drink that evening to go with my drugs, but I was thirsty, so I drank it before drugs time. Then I guess my mind just filed it away under “done” or something.

Anyway, it doesn’t seem to have had a huge negative effect on me. Sure, yesterday was hard diet-wise, but I’m not sure it was any harder than normal. Plus we had my husband’s friend over again which took up most of the day. I also spent most of the day plotting out my future studies and lamenting my idiocy when I did my Bachelor of Computer Science instead of doing the library degree I had initially enrolled in back in 2008. I got myself really frustrated over the wasted years that I have spent on the wrong career.

My husband reminded me that I always wanted to be a Systems Librarian, which essentially means that I’d be in charge of library technologies. In this respect, I guess my time spent in IT hasn’t been entirely wasted. I may just make an awesome Systems Librarian one day. Maybe I can find one to mentor me in the meantime. Hopefully whichever library I end up working at will have one and I can talk to her about her duties and stuff.

I’m super looking forward to being back in libraries. This is no longer about me trying to save myself with a good job that will keep me busy until home time, this is about reigniting a passion from my teenage years. I fell into libraries initially, doing my work experience in a public library when I was in high school. I did two public libraries, a school library, and then a university library, twice.

It was the university library that won me over and told me that it was where I belonged. I loved the university and could imagine spending my whole life there. To my teenage self, the university was like its own city; I could live on campus, work at the library, and take courses in my spare time. There were places to buy food and even get my hair done. It was awesome.

That same university library ended up being my very first job, which I was always super happy about. In my mind, I’d hit the jackpot on landing my ideal job in my first go. After my contract expired and was not renewed, I did try two other jobs: checkout chick and telemarketer. Both lasted less than a week. I couldn’t stand either of them. My next job was in a different university library. And it was that job where I was last happy with my career.

I left my happy university library job for money. A lot of money. I worked at a library on a mine site on an eight days on, six days off roster. It suited me for a while, I was able to study while working there, but it was all technical documents, not books. The clients I served were mine site workers and I was too shy to eat in the mess hall with everyone else. When the Global Financial Crisis happened, I used that as an excuse to find a new job.

The next job I landed sounded perfect on paper: it was a support role for a library management system. Sounds like an ideal thing for a Systems Librarian, right? I got to learn a commonly used library management system inside out, making documentation which I enjoyed and also using my skills in HTML and CSS to create custom library catalogues for our customers. But the support was hell, and so was the training aspect of that job. I don’t think I ran a single successful training session. I was terrible at it and lacked confidence.

During that time, I was initially studying my library degree, but I found that I was not looking forward to the units that were coming up. There was one unit I really enjoyed in my first semester: Computer Fundamentals. It was great, it was all math and logic and stuff. I thought that this was somehow a good representation of computers and that maybe I should do Computer Science instead. What a fool I was.

From there I found myself in a role which was ideal for me at the time: designing and creating an RFID Disaster Victim Identification system. To me, it was like creating a library management system, but for corpses. I managed to avoid the corpse part of it mostly. It was a bit like a double edged sword for me though, unfortunately. Due to the relaxed nature of the environment I was working in and the fact that I was hired for two years for a job that took less than a few months, my depression worsened. I found it hard to get myself out of bed in the mornings and struggled to get myself to work. But no one ever bothered me at work anyway. I guess that also didn’t help. I was lonely.

The project I worked for didn’t get more funding, so I was forced to seek employment elsewhere as the end of my contract appeared. That’s how I ended up at the place where I work now. My recent experience was in IT and I had enjoyed working on that project, so I guess I thought that maybe I was suited to IT after all, so long as I was programming. I ended up in a role that involved some programming, as well as some upper level support (not nearly as bad as the support role from before) and for a while I was okay.

My depression continued to get the best of me, however. I underwent ECT a few times and again struggled to get myself out of bed. It got to the point where I was only making it into work on half the days. So I decided to look for another job.

I landed a role at the State Library, which I thought was great at the time but I only lasted two months before the customer service aspect wore me down into quitting. I thought that maybe my last two roles were too challenging for me and that I would do better in a generic admin role, so I started applying for admin jobs. I landed one at a plumbing company, but didn’t last long there either.

During my period of unemployment, I attended group therapy which at least kept me busy for a while, and attempted to gain perspective. I came to the conclusion that the best role for me was the one I was doing before the State Library. In that role I was doing work that earned me some sense of achievement and I had a boss who was understanding. I expressed my interest in working back at that company and soon after landed the job I have now. It seemed ideal as I am now full time in a development role, but that has worn off now.

Over the last six months, I have gained perspective about my career and where I am headed. I thought that maybe I would be happy in a development role, where I could continue my career in programming roles, becoming better at coding and working my way up to a senior development role, but that’s just not for me. I like programming, but I’m not hugely into the troubleshooting of bugs and the support role. It just doesn’t make me happy.

So, as you can see by my employment history, the last place where I was really happy was in my university library roles. I feel like every step I’ve taken since then has been a blunder which has gotten me further and further away from my initial career path. What would I do if I could go back in time?

I would stay in my university library role. It didn’t pay much, but I was happy there. Maybe I would have eventually changed to a different university library when I completed my diploma and became a Library Technician. The university I worked for at that point didn’t recognise the qualification, but other libraries would have paid me better for it.

I would have stayed in my original qualification to become a librarian. My husband tells me now that I am better off for not having done it, as they make fun of anyone who has the qualification that I was doing at that point in time. Hmmm… maybe I am better off doing my new qualification. It’s a Graduate Diploma of Science, so at least it sounds cool.

I guess when it all comes down to it, I have gained experience and knowledge that I wouldn’t have had if I had stayed on my original career path. I’ve gotten a qualification which is not laughable to others and may help me land a Systems Librarian role one day. I’ve learned from first-hand experience that other careers are just not for me. Maybe I am where I belong. Maybe I needed to waste those years on the wrong career path and being sick so that I could grow as a person and learn to appreciate what I have.

So that’s where I am at the moment, where I have been for a while now, I guess. I’m losing weight, applying for library jobs, awaiting the start of my postgraduate study, and writing to fill my soul.

Before I go, I should mention some other considerations. My husband has a job offer currently which would involve us moving to Sweden. I don’t think it’s likely that he will take the job, but it is currently on the table. He may also get a job offer in Canberra sometime next month. I don’t know if it’s likely that he will take that job either. I honestly don’t know what my husband’s career plans are at the moment. I assume that he’d like to stay in academia and we both agree that we’ll move to Europe someday… Who knows?

Anyway, this blog entry is far too long. Time to put some of that writing to good use elsewhere!

Prestige

Today’s weight: 90.8kg

Ice cream again. I used some really stupid logic to get it. To be honest, I don’t even really want the ice cream anymore, I just want something. In a way, I think that’s a step forward. At least now I’m not obsessing about a specific product.

As briefly mentioned yesterday, I got a job interview for the university library. It’s apparently a “group interview,” so it’ll be interesting to see how that works out. I’m going to have to do my best to not be shy, lest they overlook me in my silence. It should also be interesting to see who I’ll be competing against, or at least some of them.

I’ve also been looking into doing my librarianship qualification. There’s two universities in Western Australia who run accredited courses for this, one of which is the university where I did my computer science qualification. The other I’ve been enrolled at since 2012, originally doing the Graduate Diploma and then switching over to the Masters.

The one I’m currently enrolled in is tough. In my undergrad, I did the bare minimum required of me and got high marks. Whereas in this other university I did the same and only got 66%. Plus there’s the assignment that I failed, which I mentioned recently. I can’t do the bare minimum at this university and expect to do well, I have learned.

The other university I think is easier. I don’t know if I believe that purely from my experience as an undergrad, or if I legitimately believe that the unit content and assignment criteria are simpler than the university I’m enrolled in. But I do think I would score higher at this university.

Another consideration is the quality of both qualifications. Is the harder university held in a higher regard than the easier one? Probably. Plus the harder university offers a Masters whereas the easier one only offers a Graduate Diploma. But both would get me to the same place in my career: librarianship. Both are recognised by the accrediting association and both would allow me to apply for librarian level jobs.

My husband believes that I am capable of doing the harder university if I just put the time in.

(Side note: my husband just helped me find the word I was looking for when discussing the universities: prestige. It is the prestige that I am concerned about.)

I don’t know if I am capable of getting good marks from the harder university. But then, who does the grades matter to? Me, certainly. But will good grades help me land good jobs? Maybe. I did use my computer science grades to land the job I have now.

What do you think, Internet? Should I do my best at this harder university, take a little longer to complete my qualification and wind up with the prestige of a better degree from a better university? Or should I do what’s easiest for me, doing a shorter qualification at the easier university? It’s a difficult choice. What is really in my best interests?

I could even do something crazy and do the qualification from a university not in this state! There are plenty of universities accredited by the association all across Australia. Maybe there is a university elsewhere with higher prestige that I could apply to. Not sure how to go about finding out which university is best. I’m sure the Internet has a list somewhere.

I do have another consideration though: will my Australian degree grant me the same level of librarianship in a different country? My husband has just been offered a high paying job in Sweden which he probably won’t take, but the option is there. And if we did move to Sweden, what kind of job could I ideally get? And would studying at a Swedish university be in my best interests considering we may yet move to another country like Norway?

I guess there’s not really much point thinking too far ahead in this regard. For the foreseeable future, I will be living in Australia and will need an Australian degree to become a librarian. After that, no one knows.

And here’s the final consideration for my study: cost. The easier university is about $320 cheaper per unit than the harder university. That’s almost a month’s worth of saving in my education fund. Not to mention that the easier university would be cheaper overall considering the course is shorter with less units.

With that all added up, I think it’s obvious that the easier university is my best choice. It’s cheaper, easier and shorter in length, while still getting me to the same professional level as the harder university. I’ll have to just let the prestige slide.

I’m glad I’ve made this decision now. I’ll be able to start planning and timetabling my units, always fun! Plus I am sneaky and have secret methods of stealing unit content from units I’m not enrolled in yet. So there’s that for me to do as well. Plus borrowing text books from the library and getting started on the readings for units.

I still have no idea about nutrition. Obviously I won’t be studying it next year if I’m going to be doing a library course instead, and for now that seems to be the best option if I want to work in a library again. But who knows? Maybe I’ll work in a library, hate it, and decide to do nutrition! Probably not though. I don’t think I’ll wind up hating libraries, and this seems to be the best career move for me at present.

Money is a thing though. At present, my pay covers the mortgage (we pay more than the minimum required to cut down the interest and stuff) and the rest pretty much goes into my education fund (rounded down). If I want to work in a library at my current level of qualification though, I will end up taking a pay cut. About $3K less per year. And that’s only assuming that the role I wind up in is full time. If I am less than full time, then obviously I’ll earn even less than that.

This means that if I get a library job now, my education fund shrinks. My husband has deduced that at my current pay, I could afford to do three units a year. If my fund shrinks, I might have to do two units a year: one per semester. Depending on if I get any advanced standing, that could mean it would take me four years to complete. Eek!

I’m looking forward to this now though. After I’m done with this entry, I’m going to email the guy who I think is course coordinator and ask about advanced standing based on the units I’ve completed and gotten exempt from at the harder university. And given that I’ll be doing this one unit at a time, I should be able to really focus in on it and get good grades. Then I can wave my grades around when applying for jobs!

So my husband had some friends over last night, one of them being from Melbourne who smoked. We discussed cigarettes and e-cigarettes briefly and just now I was looking for a password in Last Pass and saw an item from back when I was quitting smoking. This reminds me that I have beaten addiction before and I can again. It’s nice to sit here knowing that I beat cigarettes. That’s at least one horrible thing in my life that isn’t part of me anymore.

Today I will be beating food addiction. I know I can do it because I was doing it earlier this week. I also know that I am no longer addicted to that particular type of ice cream anymore. This generalisation makes it easier, I think. Because I can satisfy those cravings, if need be, with things that are keto-friendly, like chicken or Atkins bars.

I am actually a little bit worried about my ability to get into ketosis. I haven’t been in ketosis at all since starting this new drug and given the way it’s compounded, it’s entirely possible that the sugar in my drug may cause me to not fall into ketosis. I guess there’s only one way to find out. But even if I don’t get into ketosis, it’s a very low calorie diet and I would lose weight regardless, just maybe not as fast.

I am confident about hitting my 90kg goal on Monday. All I need to do is stick to my diet until then and it should all be good. 0.8kg isn’t much to lose in four days. That’s just 0.2kg a day! I can do that. And then I can meet my next goal which is 88kg the following Monday. I’m really looking forward to it. I should be well and truly under 90kg when I next see my Cambridge consultant, which will make her happy.

This whole thing about dieting is that I just need to really stick to my guns and do it. It’s been one year and five months since I started this diet. This means that I could have been my goal weight over a year ago if I had just stuck to it then. There are plenty of points along the way where I could have lost weight if I hadn’t kept going off course. I do feel that I’ve made progress though.

At some point over the last year, I have opened up and become more confident about myself. I’ve been told this by both my psychiatrist and my Cambridge consultant. I think that this change has made it easier for me to slowly let go of all the things that are holding me back. And I mean slowly. Five months ago, I was buying two blocks of chocolate a day along with chocolate bars and milk-based drinks. These days, chocolate holds no appeal for me. I have an Easter egg thing in the pantry for my mum and I have no temptation to eat it. Progress!

The hardest thing for me is water. It doesn’t take much sugar for water to become disgusting to me again, like it is this morning. But I have to keep forcing myself to drink it because otherwise I will get thirsty and wind up wanting something sugar-based to drink or eat. My husband and I both identified that my tipping point has often been regarding thirst. If I stay hydrated, I stay strong.

Regardless of the last two days, I have come so far as a person. I am stronger and healthier, more resilient and open. I have beaten so many bad habits and addictions: cigarettes, marijuana, self-mutilation, alcohol, chocolate… Now ice cream is the final barrier. As my psychologist says, it’s the last thing that lets me misbehave. But I am growing stronger and overcoming this desire to misbehave.

My husband said, upon reading my last entry, that it sounds like I’m struggling because life is too easy. I’m not being challenged and have life “too good.” I guess that sounds kind of right. I haven’t been challenging myself with anything… Hell, I just, as of this entry, chose to do an easier university course to become a librarian. Maybe I should find something challenging.

Writing could be it. I haven’t been pushing myself, but maybe I should. My stories have been sitting “in progress” for a while now with no additions made to any of them. One requires research, and the other two require me to really sit down and focus. Maybe if I focus I can push myself and be rewarded with a sense of achievement.

I don’t know. I guess something needs to change in order for me to be happy. Otherwise I’d just be bored every day, going to bed early and doing nothing in particular beforehand. This is also a key component of dieting, I’ve found. My success and failures seem to be defined by how adequately I can keep myself busy. If I’m busy, I don’t have time to want ice cream. Plus the day goes by faster, so there’s less time for me to agonise over it.

Oh well. Here’s to hoping that something, somehow, fixes my boredom.

Boredom

Today’s weight: 90.4kg

I ruined my streak with ice cream. Pretty disappointed with myself. I was feeling depressed yesterday after I finished my blog entry and was faced with boredom and the stress of continuing my library studies. I felt like everything in the world was too hard, including my diet. I felt that me failing my diet was inevitable, so I went to a store near my work and loaded up with ice cream and chocolate. I didn’t eat everything I bought though, which is reflected in the fact that I at least did lose a little bit of weight.

For the rest of this week I am working from home in the hopes that I can stay holed up in my house for the next few days and avoid buying ice cream. I’ve just rescheduled my appointment with my lap band surgeon which was originally for tomorrow, so hopefully I will find no reason to leave my house. I still need to buy Easter presents for my parents for Sunday, so I will try venturing out first thing Saturday morning and just hope it won’t be hellishly busy.

I slept a lot yesterday. As in, I went to bed sometime around 3pm, set my alarm for 7pm to take my drugs, then went back to sleep. I woke up this morning after 7am. This is a result of tiredness and boredom. The tiredness is like a constant companion. I feel like my sleep quota is huge and I never meet it during the week, which usually leaves weekends for me to top it up by sleeping until a ridiculous hour.

The boredom is a whole issue of its own. Honestly, the only times that I am not bored are when I am eating and when I am writing my daily blog entry. Once the entry is done, restlessness sets in. I try to occupy myself with small things like checking the credit card and budget and doing work, but the boredom seems to be as inevitable as me failing my diet.

I feel like the morning is the best part of my day. I get up early (most days), weigh myself (which is always a positive thing when I’m dieting well), shower (most days), take my morning drugs with my breakfast shake (which feels like a positive thing to me since I know that the morning drugs benefit me), drive myself to work (most days), and write my daily blog entry. I drink lots of water, I happily consider my future, I write out thoughts as they pass through my brain. I feel positive when my day starts.

After the blog entry, I am faced with reality. The reality of my job which results in boredom due to the nature of the work I do. The reality of my weight and my struggle to diet. The reality of my inability to focus on anything for any period of time. Reality sobers my optimism. Boredom sets in. The day is ruined and all I can do is look forward to the next morning when I will feel good again.

If I am assigning blame to anything, I do so to my job. It started off interesting and challenging when I began six months ago, but now it just bores me. I have thirty odd service desk tickets assigned to me, a few sitting on “Waiting for an external third party,” a few more sitting on “Feedback requested” and the rest awaiting my assessment. None of them have any urgency however, so I work through them at a slow pace while I do non-work related things like check Facebook and pin things on Pinterest. It just doesn’t occupy me enough.

I don’t remember boredom in my old library job (although I am well aware that I may have a selective memory about this). There were desk shifts, which would keep me occupied for about two hours at a time. Then there was work to do in the side room, scanning documents and fetching books and doing some minor cataloguing. There were also meetings for me to attend: regular meetings for the Enquiry and Lending Services team (which I was part of), the Library Emerging Technologies group I volunteered for, the Podcasting Group I volunteered for, and the Staff Development Committee which I also volunteered for. I really enjoyed being part of all these groups.

I was told off once for not doing enough work. I got into the bad habit of having my MSN Messenger (which I used back then, but not now) signed in and had many conversations going throughout the day. I don’t remember what else I did, but I know that I got relaxed with doing non-work related things at work. This was an issue around the time that I left the job. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have this problem now. But who knows? I guess I will never be certain until I am in a library role again.

So ideally, I’d be looking for a library role capable of keeping me busy throughout the work day. If I don’t have the opportunity during the day to write my blog entry, check Facebook and pin things on Pinterest, maybe I would do those things in the evening instead and thus be busy and productive until the end of the day. I can’t remember which job it was, but there was one recently which kept me occupied and I remember looking forward to the end of the day. That’s what I want in a job: something that will make me look forward to work being over, although not in a bad way like, “OMG this job sucks” or anything.

Continuing on with the ideal, arriving home should be a positive thing. The chance to relax from a long day, filled with interesting things to do like browse the Internet, read a story, do the laundry and dishes. It should be my opportunity to do non-work related things, rather than arriving home from a day of doing just that and being faced with more of it.

I think that my healthy routine relies a little too heavily on my job. If my job bores me, so does everything else. I guess it’s like work prepares my brain for the day, and if boredom sets in early, it’s hard to shake off with anything productive. I’m not capable of focusing on anything productive when I get home or when I am at work really. It’s really difficult.

I can’t tell if this is a symptom of depression. It certainly felt depressing yesterday, making me feel like everything was too hard and there was no brightness in my future. The emotional pang felt unbearable and that the only thing that would help it would be ice cream, one of the two things that relieve my boredom.

I want to be productive and happy. Why is that so hard?

I feel so positive when I write these blog entries, it sucks that it doesn’t follow me after these entries are posted. When I’m writing for my blog, I’m looking toward the future mostly and looking forward to certain things like reaching my goal weight and getting a library job. Then comes reality: the suffering of addiction to get through in order to lose weight and the hopelessness of actually obtaining a library job that I can afford.

Okay, I put off finishing this post because I didn’t want to become unproductive, but I think that’s happened anyway. Stuff happened, I have a job interview next week and I’m looking at doing postgraduate library studies. No idea what will happen with anything at this stage. So I’m just going to end this post here. Bye!

Libraries

Today’s weight: 90.5kg

Hooray for weight loss! I did pretty well yesterday. No ice cream or candy of any kind. Unless you count peanut butter. I heard that peanuts are the candy of nuts. Plus I had a little bit of cheese. But otherwise I did really well! I finished my whole one litre water bottle, drank a bit more, had my shakes and my drugs, and had some peanut butter and cheese.

The end of the day is hard. I can’t watch TV without wanting ice cream, probably because I used to always eat it in front of the TV. And especially during certain TV shows. So yeah, it still sucks a little, but I think it’s getting easier.

My husband says that eating is my hobby. He mentioned this specifically last night because I was standing in the kitchen eating peanut butter and ignoring the TV. He says that I give eating my full attention, and when I’m not eating, I’m bored no matter what I’m doing.

I don’t really know what my feeling is regarding this. I have always read that you should give eating your full attention so that you fill your “emotional belly” as well as your physical one. Eating does bring me a kind of calm and happiness. Is that really so different from other people?

I’m pretty pleased with this morning’s weight loss. It’s a good motivator to keep going. I just need to go for another two or three months (depending on when we go on holiday) and should see some significant results. Due to these holidays, I’m guessing it will take me about five months to reach my goal weight. Maybe a little longer. But I’m really looking forward to it.

Yesterday I added some stuff to Pinterest. I actually linked it and My Fitness Pal in my previous post and then quickly realised that they both contained my real name, so I deleted them. Silly me! But yeah, I started a few new boards on Pinterest: clothes (for all the stuff I would like to wear when I reach my goal weight), shoes (again, goal weight), and “Stuff [my name] Likes” (for all the things I find funny on the Internet, or just like).

I feel like I’m moving forward in some way. On one hand I’m facing the dreaded “routine” (because people suffering from complex PTSD hate routine), but on the other hand I actually feel like I’m headed somewhere. I’m losing weight, I’m applying for library jobs, I’m writing… I’m picking out clothes to wear and things to like. I feel like I’m actually doing something, which is always awesome.

I still don’t know how I feel about tracking everything on My Fitness Pal. I think I kind of wish for something simpler. Using websites to track my food and exercise usually feels very messy for me. On Fitocracy I could handle it because I was levelling up and getting points. I don’t see the motivation on My Fitness Pal. Maybe if I were actually doing it with someone I would enjoy it more. I have a friend that I would like to join, but I don’t think she’ll be interested.

There are four casual positions going at the university library I applied to. This makes six jobs in total: an ongoing role three days per week, a role of four days per week until December, and four casual jobs with a weekend day and a half day during the week. Ideally, I’d like the ongoing role and one of the casual roles. I can’t accept the fixed term position because I know that it terminates in December and won’t be renewed.

What I’m currently considering is if I can handle just doing a casual role while I continue to work here. I would need to drop some hours, obviously, so it all depends on how my boss feels about that. But I think it might be a good step forward, assuming I don’t get the ongoing position or the public library role. It will get me back into a library which will get me more recent experience which will help me when applying for other library jobs.

Another consideration is library studies. The majority of library jobs are for librarians, which requires a university degree (I only have a TAFE diploma in library studies). Plus librarians get paid more. The downside is that I’m pretty sure I’d be expected to do reference desk work, which I’m really not confident with. I’m not great at thinking on my feet and reference work requires you to be “switched on” so you can search for stuff that will help the customer. It also requires knowledge of the services available to you.

I’m actually really scared that I’m not cut out to be a librarian. The last time I was enrolled in library studies, I actually failed an assignment. As in, I actually tried and got less than fifty percent. It’s the height of embarrassment for me to admit that. In my computer science studies, I barely tried and got Ds and HDs (Distinctions and High Distinctions). And I always did really well at library studies in TAFE. But there is a chance that post graduate library studies are a bit out of my league.

Truth be told, I feel that I’ve wasted years of my life. I left my happy university library job at the start of 2008 and have been on the wrong path ever since. I changed out of my library degree at university into a computer science degree, I started heading towards IT jobs, and I even briefly attempted Honours, all because that was what the people around me were doing. I lost my identity and have been lost ever since.

If I can get back into a library role and study my Masters in library studies, I feel that I would be righting a terrible wrong. I belong to the library world, that community, that environment. I had passion back then that I have been lacking in recent years. I was involved in my job and the people I worked alongside. I was happy, damnit.

So I guess my fingers are well and truly crossed for these library jobs. I honestly can’t tell at this stage which I want more: the university library or the public library. University libraries make me happiest, but the public library seems nice. It looks like a good area, so hopefully the clientele would be good. At the university I’d have to deal with dumb students, but I’d be part of a bigger whole. Honestly, I think the public library position is more realistic for me to obtain. Eek – I don’t know! I just want a library job.

The hard part will be the customer service. That was what ruined the State Library for me. I had to serve on the reference desks in the library, which, as I mentioned above, I’m just not good at. Anywhere else, I’d be considered a junior and would refer customers to the reference desk if they have bigger questions than I could solve, but at the State Library, library technicians (which is what I am) and librarians were both treated equally, although paid differently.

I like university libraries because the customers are usually not just the general public; they’re students and lecturers. I also get a sense of being somewhere where education happens and where knowledge is sought after. Public libraries get the general public which means that you get people who really just want free entertainment, to use the computers, or homeless people who just want to be indoors for the day. This is a huge problem in troubled suburbs, but I wonder if the public library I applied to will have the same problem given that it’s in such a nice area.

I should probably stop rambling about libraries. I really just want to convey how important this is to me right now. I know I’m in danger of putting all my hopes and dreams into something that may not pan out or may end up disappointing me. Am I looking for libraries to “save” me? Probably. I really want to be happy in my job again, to be able to reach midday without feeling so tired and bored that I really just want to go home.

Boredom is a huge problem for me. Like my husband mentioned last night, I’m bored no matter what I’m doing (except eating). I did a little bit of reading yesterday. Maybe a couple of pages. Then I watched some TV. But all of it was boring. I’ve had people tell me that if I’m not finishing the books that I started reading then I’m obviously picking the wrong books. Could this be true of TV shows as well? Probably. I think I’ve determined that I’m not really interested in The Walking Dead, but I started it so I feel like I have to finish it. The same is true of the nine books I currently have in progress.

So how do I find things that do interest me? Do I start more books that I will never finish? More TV shows that I will never watch? Do I continue searching for something to make me happy? I feel a bit at a loss here. How does everyone else find stuff that interests them? Is this because I’m not in tune with myself? I have to admit, I’m not sure what my own interests are.

Maybe I should start listing things that I know about myself. I could start with my demographics and journey into my interests and opinions. I might find that I know more about myself than I thought I did, and I may learn even more. It’d be like writing up a profile about a fictional character.

Completely unrelated: I have a fly bothering me at work. It’s really annoying. Like, even more annoying than my attention-hungry cat. It’ll die soon though, right? Stupid fly…

Okay, that’s all from me today. Moving forward, losing weight, focusing on libraries. Thanks for reading.

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INFORMATION

I am an Australian female in her mid twenties who would like to stay anonymous. If you have come to this site and know who I am, I simply ask that you do not mention me by my real name anywhere here.

I am currently engaged in warfare with Major Depression and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is the place where my progress is kept.

This blog was initially locked out but I want other sufferers to be able to find me, in the hope that my battle can help them to feel that they are not alone. Reading about my condition has helped me immensely, so I'd like to pass it on.