- April 25th, 2014
- Write comment
Today’s weight: 89.4kg
I continued to feel depressed about my career prospects after my entry yesterday which led me down a terrible path of job seeking. Not saying that job seeking itself is terrible, but what happens to me is that I become panicked, convinced that I can’t stay in my current job and that I will take any job to be free. Like my husband says, if I am considering becoming a dish washer at a restaurant, then I am not thinking clearly.
So I spent yesterday morning frantically job hunting. After poking around the job site for a while, I realised that I am only qualified for two things: libraries and IT. Well, Western Australia sucks for library jobs. The majority of positions are librarian level, which I won’t be for another two years. And the actual quantity of jobs is not great.
This meant that I was hunting in IT. Stupid,right? I’m already in an IT job, a wonderful IT job, and that’s the problem. Moving into another IT job isn’t going to solve my problem. But I looked around anyway and applied for a few. I even spoke to a recruiter who wants me to interview for another PHP Developer job at a different company. The pay would be better and it would be closer to home, but otherwise it would be potentially the same job for less understanding people.
That got me through until about midday. One of my colleagues saw that I was job hunting and asked me if I was sick of them. I told him that it was just something that I do and that I would likely be in my current role for another couple of years, to which he said he was glad because he liked working with people who knew what they were doing. I’m flattered that he thinks that but I don’t understand his basis for thinking that I know what I’m doing given that our work doesn’t cross very often. But I guess I should just learn to accept a compliment without scrutinising it.
At midday I decided that I was too sad and stressed to remain at work and went home. The recruiter I spoke to sent me a test for the other PHP Developer position to be done by Monday and I veged out on the couch to watch TV.
Then I decided I wanted ice cream. Now can you see why I suck? Yeah, I couldn’t let go of the idea and fetched my cards from the safe. Meanwhile my husband kept trying to talk me out of it which just made me feel worse. Then he told me that I was likely in ketosis because my breath smelled (a common side effect of ketosis which I usually use to tell me whether or not I am in it). I agonised. I had pretty much decided already that I was getting ice cream, but then I discovered that I had made it into ketosis! It made it so much harder.
One of the things that I have been hearing lately is that everyone has a finite amount of willpower, which is why we shouldn’t try to work so hard to make too many changes all at once. I felt like my willpower was waning, crumbling under the weight of my depression and the amount of willpower I had used over the Easter break.
I dropped my husband off at the train station so he could go to a kind of work related event, and went and got my ice cream. I ate it while watching TV and didn’t feel happy. All I felt was sick. After the ice cream was depleted, I seriously regretted my decision to go and get it. I ruined my diet and everything I had been working so hard for.
And I had been working so hard! I had been sticking to my diet for a while and walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I was pushing myself to succeed. And I was bloody succeeding. I guess if I had to analyse it now, I would have to think that maybe I had been pushing myself too hard. Maybe I wasn’t ready for the changes that I have made.
I went to bed super early. I was bored, the TV show I was watching had grown tiresome and my husband wouldn’t be home until late. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else, so before even 6pm I had taken my drugs and gone to bed. And then I didn’t get up when my alarm went off this morning. I couldn’t handle the idea of walking on the treadmill. I just wanted to nap. Normally I can get past this by telling myself that all I need to do is weigh myself, that I didn’t have to do the treadmill if I didn’t want to, but it didn’t work this time.
So that’s another reason why I suck. I’ve broken my little trend of walking on the treadmill in the morning in addition to failing at my diet. As I said earlier, I had ruined everything I had been working so hard for. And this is what tells me that I was pushing too hard. I was using too much of my willpower and it just gave out on everything.
I’m not giving up hope though. I didn’t gain any weight this morning, so it wasn’t as catastrophic as it could have been. And I still have the rest of my day to walk on the treadmill. Sure, I didn’t do it first thing in the morning while fasted, which is best for weight loss, but walking on the treadmill at all is better than not doing it. Or I might even try something different today, like yoga. There are a tonne of things I can do for twenty minutes today to count as my “conditioning.”
My husband is putting my cards back in the safe this morning so I don’t fail again in that area. I’m hoping that today will be easy enough due to the sickness I felt while eating the ice cream yesterday, but who knows? Now I have another four or so days before I can get back into ketosis again. I am pretty pleased I made it into it yesterday though. At least now I know that my drugs won’t keep me out of it. So now I just need to make it through the next four days and I can be back to dropping mass amounts of weight.
I guess I should stop beating myself up and take this as yet another learning experience. Obviously something has to change in order for me to succeed, and as usual, I think that thing should be me with a hobby to take up my time. Getting sad and bored is too common an occurrence for me and I can’t afford to fail each time that this happens. Writing seems to be hard for me at the moment, but I still think it’s my best avenue to a hobby. Maybe if I just let myself relax about what I’m writing, I will find it easier.
Today I am going to try and not think too much about my career. There’s nothing I can do about the library jobs until I hear back from any of them and I know that IT isn’t for me. It’s a long weekend, so I should just try to relax and not stress.
I mean, I know I did well at the individual activity in the interview at the university library, although I’m sure that everyone else probably did as good as well. And maybe the public library is just slow to contact people for interviews. I have no idea how long their process might take. So I may still be in with a chance! And if I’m really serious about getting back into libraries, maybe I can take a second, casual or part time job in libraries to give me recent experience. I’m sure my boss would be nice about me changing my hours again to accommodate this.
So there’s still hope. And I’m sure that there will continue to be jobs posted throughout the year, and next year. I can start applying for all in my level or lower and just be flexible with what I can accept. I’ll have a nice talk with my boss about my career and my goals towards it, and given that the work in my current job isn’t too intense or frequent, I’m sure he’ll be nice about it.
Okay, so I guess not thinking about my career isn’t going too well, but at least today I am more positive about it. And I am trying to remain positive about my diet as well. There’s nothing I can do about yesterday’s choices except learn from them, so I am going to work on bringing my hobby back to life and make good choices about food today. And possibly do some form of exercise today as well. I think exercising will get me back into ketosis sooner. Diet and exercise. Good combination.
Oh, so I’ve applied for advanced standing for my library course, which I mentioned. Unfortunately I have to buy a bloody academic transcript from the harder university so my units can be applied at the easier university. And the people who deal with this stuff were on holiday all this week, so they won’t post it until Monday. It annoys me because I don’t like waiting for things. I want to know now if my exemption will be able to be applied so I can plan out my studies for the next two years and determine just how much money I will need for it.
Speaking of, yesterday my junk food allowance obviously suffered another blow which will have to come out of my education fund. I need to avoid this in future if I have any hope of being able to afford my study and having my husband add extra funds in for the units I can’t afford to do. I’ve been giving some thought to this and the fact that I struggle so much about not getting ice cream.
Yesterday I considered if maybe I should allow myself a “cheat day” where I can have ice cream once a week or something, just so I don’t fail more regularly. If I do this, I should be able to afford it from my junk food budget without using my education funds. The downside is constantly falling out of ketosis. Obviously the weight loss will be much quicker and better if I avoid ice cream altogether. But is no ice cream for months really sustainable for me? As proved by yesterday, even in ketosis I long to eat ice cream.
I told my husband about my thought process yesterday and how my brain was telling me that I was going to fail anyway. To which he said that of course I’ll fail if I’m telling myself I will fail. I got upset with this because I know exactly what that means for me. If I think I’ll fail, I will fail, so obviously, I’m just going to continue to fail! I think it was an episode of Frasier where he was trying to learn to ride a bike, but kept running into a tree. He knew that if he kept thinking about the tree, he would ride into the tree. So he kept on riding into the damn tree.
It’s hard for me to really talk about because it’s morning, and morning is always positive for me right up until I am done with my blog entry. This means that I can’t relate to how I feel normally when I’m finding dieting to be hard. Right now all I want to say is that I will succeed because I really feel like I can succeed. But I know that the afternoon will be different. Maybe next time I’m craving ice cream I should write about it. I might be able to gain some sort of insight that I currently lack.
I guess I should end this entry and see what I can do about continuing to write after I’m done. Surely I can write about something. It shouldn’t be so damn hard, really. I just need to write about something that I care about, like maybe all the plans of my sanitisation.
So here’s me signing off yesterday as a failure, and today, hopefully, a success. Thanks for reading.