My Shadow

It’s not like I don’t have anything to talk about. I have plenty I can talk about, so many productive sessions with my psychologist and learning about myself. But at some point I lost the desire to record what I’m going through.

Today is my second day of trying to do the shakes again. I have had one hell of a rollercoaster ride over the last three months with regards to my weight and how I’ve been eating. In June I had my surgery which required me to fast for a whole day. I also found myself deeply immersed in designing and starting to create my Health Management System, so with those two factors combined, I found myself without appetite, sticking to the shakes very well. I lost about five kilos that month.

At the end of June, I just crumbled and found myself eating ice cream again. Over July and now August, I regained those five kilos, plus a little more. I couldn’t force myself to diet anymore. I had no motivation and I felt so trapped and out of control. At one point, I had locked myself away at home and given my cards and cash to my husband to take away from me. We even transferred our accounts out of my PayPal account and into my husband’s, so I had literally no way to sneak off and get ice cream. When I told my psychologist what I was doing, he responded that he was shocked at the amount of nastiness towards myself.

During that session, I discussed with him my addiction to sugar and hence the reason for the extreme measures, at which point he corrected me. If it were truly an addiction to sugar, any form of sugar would do to feed my addiction, instead of my need to find specific sources of this. He said that given this addiction, my final addiction, was my last vice, what was really happening was a rebellion. Essentially, some part of me would just say, “Fuck everyone, I’m going to do what I want!” and then get the ice cream. He said I had two modes of operation: either I would refuse to obey, or I would obey but only under extreme duress, which only lasted so long.

The last time I saw him, I actually cried. He came into the room as per usual, took his seat and asked me, “Why are you angry today?” Then, “Why are you angry at me?” I tried to think. I didn’t know that I was angry, and I certainly didn’t know why I was angry with my psychologist. It seemed mean to be mad at him, he hadn’t done anything wrong. I came up empty and he told me that he thought it was because he wasn’t helping me with my sugar addiction. He couldn’t instantly fix me of this problem, so I was mad at him for not helping. He apologised, not only as a psychologist, but as a human being, because he could see how much this was hurting me.

I don’t remember exactly at what point I started to cry, but I remember saying, “It is ridiculous that I am so close to tears over this, because I swear that I don’t care this much.” He told me that I did care. Obviously. He told me that I was sick of being told to wait. Of adults always telling me to wait. It was likely that my parents always told me to wait for things, and I still need to fight them.

He asked me about the things in my life I was trying to fix. I told him that I had only two issues at present, the sugar addiction and another thing, and then I would be done. Everything would “look” perfect. I acknowledged though that I knew nothing would be perfect in reality. I would still be broken, even if I did fix those two things.

It was at this point that my psychologist really made his job known to me. Not only was it his responsibility to connect me with feelings that I had dissociated from myself, but he also had his own goals, his own items to fix when it came to me. I would often come in with something superficial to fix, like my sugar addiction, and he would eventually turn that into something deeper, something that resonated with me.

I confessed that, as a scientifically minded person, I found talk therapy really difficult for the first few years. I wanted to fix myself, but all therapy was about was talking and learning. It felt so meaningless and stupid. How was this supposed to help me, exactly? But somehow, after years of work, I was getting better. My old psychologist really saw me through my depression. She saw me through to a point that I would call “stable.” But we plateaued there.

This new psychologist can see the remnants of my depression and my complex PTSD. He knows that there is a lot more to fix, and he knows how to go about it.

I told him that I focussed myself on these superficial problems, like the sugar addiction, because I can see those problems, I can understand them and I can devise plans to fix them, whether they work or not. The idea that I don’t understand my own thoughts and feelings, that I need to become more aware of myself and accepting of what I’m going through, feels far too abstract. I have no idea at all how I would go about connecting with those thoughts and feelings.

My psychologist reminded me that I still hate myself. I had come so far in terms of this, but it must still be there, because the problem I have with food is that I don’t feel like I deserve to be nourished. All I can do is punish myself relentlessly. He asked me about it, about my feelings towards myself, so I recalled all those horrible things I thought about me. I remembered how I used to feel evil and contaminated, that I would infect everyone around me.

It’s weird, but at this moment I can see two opposing versions of myself. One is the person I thought that I was on my way to becoming: someone who is worth something and has personality quirks and is just like every other human being out there. But then there is this version that I thought I had gotten over: this depraved soul who would destroy everyone who came into contact with me.

My psychologist told me that everyone has a shadow. “Good” people are aware of that shadow and make the right decisions and choose the right actions. “Bad” people are either unaware of the shadow, or don’t know how to deal with it.

So I guess that contaminated version of me is like my shadow. I do have the power to destroy people, if I choose to go down that path. But by being aware of my shadow and aware of what I could do, I can behave like a normal human being.

My psychologist asked me if I was worried that I would infect him. If I thought I could infect him. I told him that I probably could if I wanted to, but I honestly just wasn’t interested in it.

On Monday I came to a decision about my diet. I am going to suffer, no matter what I do, because I am addicted. Psychological problems aside, I am addicted to sugar and I will suffer that addiction, whether I choose to indulge it or not. Over the last two months I have tried everything I could think of. I chose to stick to my shakes, and merely gave in and ate ice cream. I chose to eat healthy for a week, but couldn’t separate the eating of food to not getting candy. I even chose to just let myself eat candy all day, and it just made me miserable in an entirely different way. So I figured that failure or not, I would just go with the option that caused the least damage to my health and my weight, which is the shakes.

Yesterday I took my decision a step further in my mind. For however long I have been doing this dance with the part of me that wants to lose weight, I have always identified two selves: the one who wants to succeed, and the one who just wants candy. I would identify them as the adult and the child. I can be an adult 90% of the time, but that child will sneak on in and screw everything up. She will rebel, because she thinks that by behaving like an adult that we have lost that ongoing battle with my parents and anyone else who tried to enforce their rules on me. Rebelling was the only way I could stay in control.

Something that I have read in a few books and articles about dieting is that we all need to be the adult. We need to take responsibility for our actions, no matter what they are, and accept that we are in control. As much as I might want to blame this child inside of me, I am the person who is choosing what does or does not go into my mouth. I need to learn that this is control. I need to step up and be an adult 100% of the time.

I think my ideas here are still half formed. I don’t want to be hard on myself, because I don’t want that kid inside of me to think that she has to rebel again. I want to be kind to myself and be in control of my own actions. And I need the security of knowing that I can control my actions. I’m tired of living in fear of this rebellious child. I don’t need her anymore.

I’m still scared. I don’t want to be, but I am. I don’t know how to fix this. I guess it’s good that I have someone on my team who does (my psychologist), but it’s a long battle ahead. At least I’m learning, I guess.

Very General Update

I figured I should probably update my blog. It’s been a while.

Diet is going okay. I’ve lost about 4kg since the surgery, though I’ve been struggling with food again recently, including buying ice cream yesterday, so today is back to it being tough. I was doing really well after the surgery, but I screwed up after a couple of weeks and have been doing less well since. I hope I can get back to it being okay soon. Aim is to be back in ketosis after this weekend, and then hope I will not screw up again. I had to move my weight loss goals by a week again, so now my aim is to have no ice cream until September 29.

Work has been a lot easier on me since working on my HMS. I’ve done barely anything on my HMS for the last couple of weeks, but even just having it there as a fall back makes being at work okay. I am hoping my boss will get me access to the new Student Management System our company has been making. Hopefully it will get me some good experience with development processes and testing and other things that I really should know if I’m going to be a PHP developer.

Speaking of, I have no idea where my career is headed. I’m torn between being a PHP developer, a librarian, or a nutritionist. Now that my job is more tolerable, I am thinking it might be in my best interests to stay in my current role, learn everything I can about being a PHP developer, and then eventually move on to be a senior PHP developer to earn lots of money.

As far as the library thing goes, I start study soon and I have a weekend job at a university library. My husband convinced me to keep the library job, although I am very nervous about it. I have training today, then a couple of practice sessions next month. The customer service part of the job really stresses me.

And for nutrition, I am educating myself and still planning out my HMS. I guess it’s going to have to take a back seat once semester starts though. Two jobs and some study, eek!

I saw my psychiatrist on Saturday. He informed me that given my hugely positive reaction to the new drug, he’s pretty sure now that I have ADD. And my husband agrees with him. So I guess I have ADD then. Oh well, as long as I keep taking this drug, everything should be okay.

I don’t really have anything of importance to say, hence the long silence. I am getting better at some things, stressing about other things. Right now, I am looking forward to the end of September, which is when I hope to be able to start a healthy diet. In the meantime I am stressing about the library job and the fact that at some point I am going to have to introduce exercise into my mornings.

But I guess things are mostly good. Being comfortable in my job is a huge step forward and certainly relieves a lot of the pressure I was feeling beforehand. Now I just need to be comfortable in my second job!

That’s all from me. I’ll try to update with some more meaningful content some other time, like maybe next time I see my psychologist.

Not Such a Terrible Developer

Something that blows my mind: I weighed myself when I got home yesterday and had put on a whole 1.4kg! Seriously, after a day of fasting and getting parts of me taken out, how did I gain that much weight? And I only lost 0.2kg of that this morning. I must be retaining water or something. I wish I knew more about my body and about retaining stuff to add weight so I knew exactly what was going on.

Leaving the hospital yesterday went okay. The most painful part by far was getting the drain removed. It was a long cord that they had to pull out of my side. It hurt so damn much, the poor nurse had to stop at least three times so I could calm down and try breathing deeply again. It was such a weird sensation, having something pulled out of me. But yeah, a really painful sensation.

Once I got home I went to my computer and started playing with my HMS again. It’s awesome. I’m following a tutorial to set up authentication and stuff and I’m really enjoying learning all of this new stuff. Plus, sitting at my computer, I can almost forget that I’ve been cut open.

My husband got a new TV yesterday. He managed to find a floor model of the same TV we had and bought it on the spot. He’s also ordered a screen protector for it, and all of that comes under the amount that our insurance paid for us to get the TV repaired. Awesomesauce.

The cleaner will be here today. I hope she doesn’t mind me getting in the way of her cleaning. I’m a bit nervous about spending the day in the same house as someone that I don’t really know, but it should be fine. I’ll work on my HMS until she needs to clean my office, then I might read something.

Tomorrow I’m having friends over to play board games. It will be the first time that two of these people have come over to our house. I was hoping that the garden would be done before they arrived as it’s quite overgrown, but the lawn mower guy who offered to do it hasn’t done it yet. Oh well, it’s just a little overgrown, haha. I’m kidding, it’s actually quite overgrown.

I’ll be providing snacks and drinks to these people tomorrow and having none of them myself. I don’t think getting drunk so soon after being cut open is a good idea and I don’t know when I’ll be able to eat solid food again, so it’s best for me to just avoid solids for now. My husband won’t be there at the start of the night apparently, so it’ll just be me hosting, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. My friends are nice and there are board games. All good.

Two of these friends will be staying over the night, so I’ll have them to entertain on Sunday as well. Otherwise my weekend is quite open. Back to work again Monday.

I’m hoping that I will cope better at work since I’ll be learning about the framework I’m using for my HMS. I’ll also be learning to do all kinds of other stuff like having people be able to “like” statuses and stuff like that. My justification is that all of this makes me a better developer, which is relevant to my job. And it’s not like I’m ignoring my work to play around with something of a personal project, I’ll still be working on my tickets and exploring the portals I look after. I just have something now to entertain me in the quiet parts of work, when there isn’t much to do.

So, my HMS database is almost complete. I need to add a couple of new tables for features that slipped my mind in the original draft. I also need to add some new columns to accommodate stuff that the framework I’m using does automatically. But otherwise that is all ready to go, and now I’m playing around with forms and authentication. I almost have my first set of Model, View and Controller all working. This is so exciting, embarking on a new project and learning more about being a better coder while doing it.

I started explaining how the MVC stuff works to my husband last night, to which he replied that it seems like most people who use it doesn’t know how it works. This lead to him revealing to me that most developers don’t know shit about computers and most don’t know how the stuff they work with works. On this revelation I claimed that maybe I’m not a terrible developer after all, despite the little I know about how computers work. It seems like I might just be on par with other developers. So maybe I am actually good at what I do, and all this pesky computer nonsense that I know nothing about doesn’t really affect that. Maybe.

Something I need to do soon though is read up on nutrition again. It’s been a while since I studied, and I need to keep going to ensure that once my HMS is complete, I’ll have the knowledge I need to back it up. After all, the whole existence of the HMS is to be a companion to my nutrition consulting. So I need to fill my head with nutrition information, by reading and taking notes, and then by typing up my notes later. Then I can also start writing blog entries for my HMS. My HMS will be a great tool to back up everything I learn about nutrition.

Anyway, I am having a blast making this HMS. Can you tell? Do I talk about it enough? Haha. It feels great to be able to create something like this. I have such a brain for making systems from scratch. I love the whole process: the design, the draft documents of features I can think of, the database ERD, the creation scripts and default data scripts, then actually coding the thing itself!

I am now at the stage of development where I am thinking about lots of new features and am just altering the database, ERD, creation script and default data script as I go. As of the tables I’ve added this morning while writing this entry, I now have 51 tables in my database. I’m sure I’ll be adding more as I think of things to do with this system. For one thing, I still need to create tables to record blood and urine test results. I have to know more about the tests before I can do that though. And there will probably be more room for stuff as I continue studying nutrition and think of new features with further education and stuff.

I don’t really have anything else to talk about today. My stomach is healing from the incisions of my surgery, I’m having a great time working on my HMS, and I’m learning that maybe I am not such a terrible developer after all. Life is pretty good and I hope it stays that way.

Thanks for reading!

The Surgery

The surgery went well. We managed to arrive at the hospital on time for my morning admission and everything, then I was eventually showed to my room which is nice, on the fourth floor, shared with another patient of the same surgeon. I was made to shower again with a special lotion and then put on my gown.

It was several hours before my surgery time. I met with my anaesthesiologist who was a bit rude about the fact that I can’t swallow pills, but seemed to realise after that he had been a nob about It (according to my husband) and was friendly again.

My pain was minimal from recollection, and I didn’t panic at all, I think. My husband is impressed because today I am perfectly happy, despite the small pain I have where my drain is. I got back to my room pretty late at night, so my husband had to leave shortly after. But it was all good, I just slept for most of the night and morning.

I am awake and alert now thanks to my medication. My husband is back to keep me company and selflessly gave me his Internet connection, hehe. I’m thinking I might learn some more about my PHP framework to keep myself busy; I kept thinking about my HMS as I dozed and am really looking forward to working on it again.

I got some blood tests taken a bit earlier this morning and will hopefully soon find out if I can get my drain removed. If there are no complications about that, I should get to go home today.

Due to finishing my surgery so late, I actually had nothing to eat or drink at all yesterday. This morning I was going to avoid the breakfast they gave me in order to get into ketosis soon, but they might not let me leave until I have some, so I guess I’ll eat some and just get back into ketosis when I get home.

I am feeling pretty positive today. I am so pleased with how my pain management has been going and am still keen to lose weight and work on my HMS. I am not really looking forward to returning back to work on Monday, but at least I can learn about frameworks while I’m at work and apply that knowledge to my HMS later.

August is when my busy time starts. I have my full time job, will be starting part time study, and will be starting weekend work at the university library. So busy! I am not looking forward to working every weekend. I thought that this casual job would be an occasional thing, but it sounds like it’s going to be a regular thing instead. At least it will get me experience for future library jobs and hopefully mean getting tax back on my education since it will be work related.

It’s going to be one hell of a balancing act: full time job, casual job, part time study, informal study (nutrition), working on my HMS, dieting… I’m sure I will manage though. I should have at least one day a week of not working, except for maybe some casual exceptions if I need to cover someone who’s called in sick or something. And I do finish my main job officially around 3pm, so that gives me afternoons for studying libraries.

I still really want that Library Coordinator role, but doubt I am even going to get an interview. It sucks. I think I could do really well and be happy in that role. My current boss seems to think that I would blow it out of the water (his words), I wish I could somehow communicate this to them. Oh well, trying not to get my hopes up. It would be a great role for me, but I probably just lack the experience that they would be looking for.

I am still stressed about dieting. I really want to succeed at this and lose the weight that I feel holds me back from things, but there’s still that other version of me who is only interested in indulging in junk food. It’s about a 90/10 split I think now. 90% of me wants to diet and is strong about it, for the most part, but 10% of me thinks that I will fail and I might as well just give up.

What I need to do is treat this like any other addiction, to just hold on for long enough for that desire to be out of my system. I need to convince myself that it will get easier if I just hold on. I mean, it has to, right? I can’t stay hopelessly addicted to ice cream forever!

But it’s still a battle. Especially when something upsets me. I have to learn to cope with my bad feelings without turning to food for the solution. Food is not a solution. These days it’s barely even comfort. I just feel sick and regretful. Meh. Something has to change. I can’t remain in this body for the rest of my life.

I’ll be interested to see how the fat does affect me when I inevitably eat ice cream again one day. On one hand, I’ve heard that it makes people without a gallbladder really sick. But on the other hand, it sounds like such a useless organ since the liver continually produces bile anyway. Maybe it’s about the amount of fat you eat. Maybe the amount produced by the bile isn’t enough to handle big quantities.

In any case, the moral of this entry is just that my surgery went well (I know that this is not a moral). I didn’t panic, the pain hasn’t been too bad. It’s good. I remember my last (and first) surgery and how I felt afterwards like I had been butchered. I thought to myself, “Oh God, what have I done to myself?” Didn’t get that feeling this time.

The surgeon said that my liver might still have crystals but that they are small enough to hopefully pass through without too much problem. He also said he had a lot of scar tissue to cut through when removing my lap band, but it apparently all went well.

So this is my first time of getting an organ removed from my body! I still have my appendix and tonsils and other stuff. Hopefully I won’t have to go through this again, but if I do then I know I can handle it now and not get too stressed out and panicked.

I haven’t even looked at my wounds yet. He said he tried to only cut the areas where I had been cut last time to minimise scarring, which is nice. I really hope I can get this drain taken out soon though as it seems to be the main cause of the pain that I am in. I remember waking up and being confused about what was attached to me. The nurse I asked was annoyed that no one had told me what to expect and that no one wrote down about my inability to take pills after I told them.

My breakfast this morning was all fluids. I didn’t eat/drink much, but I had a nice banana smoothie. There’s some other stuff there like natural yogurt and some kind of fruit mush, but I’m not too keen to eat either of those.

Anyway, I should end this post as my battery on my netbook is going flat. Hooray for a good surgery!

Anger and Desire

I gave in and got ice cream. Disappointment, population: me. Essentially several things went wrong so I justified it to myself. I spoke about it with my psychologist and he says that I was angry. It stems from my childhood: I was angry because the people who were supposed to care for me wouldn’t/didn’t. Being unable to express that anger, it turned inward. Hurting myself to hurt them. The thought process is something along the lines of, “Well, if you won’t care for me, then I won’t either.”

So here I am all these years later, doing the same thing. Someone else screws up and I punish myself for it. My husband can see it as well. When the first thing in my day went wrong, he told me not to get ice cream, that the only person who gets hurt is me.

The other thing that my psychologist and I discussed was my adolescent promiscuity. I don’t know if I’ve told any of you, but I became sexually active at the age of twelve. I wasn’t very good at it until I reached the age of sixteen, but I tried consistently and even got knocked up at the age of fourteen. When I had discussed this once with my psychiatrist, he asked me if I was forced into it, asked me what it was that made me become sexually active so young. I didn’t know.

My psychologist says that I was trying to prove that I was desirable, because I felt undesired, unwanted at home. I had to keep proving to myself that people wanted me and I remember the hurt of rejection too well. A symptom of complex PTSD is a lack of boundaries, and I know that I didn’t understand those boundaries when I was younger. If someone turned down my advances, it was a rejection of me, rather than someone just doing the right thing and not taking advantage of a young and damaged person.

I told my psychologist a lot of things yesterday. I told him about how I was good and smart in primary school, but in high school began rebelling by skipping school, shoplifting, smoking, doing drugs, drinking with adults. He told me that in family therapy there was a line of questioning that gets used. If a child is doing something like not cleaning their room, the therapist asks who that bothers the most. Once the person is identified, then you know who the child is angry at. For me, I guess that would have been my dad.

I told him about the time I filed abuse charges against my dad after one of our fights. I had planned to move out of home (I think this was when I was about thirteen/fourteen) but that didn’t work out, so to keep the peace at home I went to the cop station to drop the charges. The police officer that I spoke to told me that he had seen me around the shopping centre and that I had a bad attitude. He told me not to provoke my dad.

My psychologist is right, I am angry. I’m angry because the people who were supposed to love me and look after me never cared about me at all. My mother sent me an SMS yesterday about my surgery and said, “I love you to infinity and beyond” and all I can think is what a lie that is. I never had love in my life until I met my husband. I never had someone who cared enough to try and help me.

Now all I do is hurt myself over it. That anger surfaces due to some external circumstances like my surgeon’s administrator forgetting to hit the “send” button on the vital information I need about my surgery, and my reaction is to eat ice cream because fuck the world.

I am bloody miserable today which probably isn’t going to make my surgery any easier. It’s talking about all of this stuff, all the loved I’ve lacked in my life. By the end of my appointment yesterday, I was drained and empty. My psychologist said that I had worked hard in our session, so I guess that’s a good thing.

Today I am very anxious about my surgery. I am not looking forward to it at all. It’s going to be painful and scary and I don’t like either of those things. And just imagine if somehow something went wrong and I died! I would die being an obese, depressed person who never got to actually achieve anything in her life.

I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next few hours before I go to the hospital. Guess I should go and find a way to entertain myself.

Sleep Phenomena

I am doing well. I am back in ketosis nice and early, dropping mad amounts of weight, and enjoying this time that I have off work. I have been sticking to my shakes and water the last couple of days which has worked immensely well for me. Not only am I back in ketosis a whole day earlier than anticipated, but I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight for the last three days.

There is part of me that’s still scared that I will go and get ice cream. Today is a concern for me because it’s the last day before my surgery, potentially being the last day that I could eat ice cream without getting really sick. I know that I would regret it though. It would still make me feel sick and I’d be back to losing minimal weight while I wait to get into ketosis again. I can only hope that for once the negatives will override my need for instant gratification. I hate this ongoing battle. Why can’t all of me just agree that I should avoid ice cream for the next few months? Why do I have to have this rebellious part of me?

The time off work has been good. I’ve been working on the database for my HMS. The draft design is done, the creation script has been written, the default data file has been completed, now I just need to manipulate these large text files full of nutritional data. So today I will be learning how to upload a file in PHP and edit the contents of that file to produce an SQL insert script. It should be good fun.

In addition to this work on my HMS I’ve done some reading. I finished Ender’s Game and am now reading Speaker for the Dead. I’ve done a little bit of TV watching as well, but not much. My days have a new pattern: productive in the morning (as always), zoning out by late morning, then picking up my productivity again sometime after lunch, which is when I take another dose of my new drug. It’s great because the productivity distracts me from my desire to eat food. Being busy is always the best solution.

This morning I need to go to my PO box and see if the information about my surgery for tomorrow has arrived. I hope it arrives today, because without it I have no idea about anything about my surgery. I’d need to call them and ask for instructions regarding fasting and the time of admission and stuff. I’m still really nervous and not looking forward to waking up from the surgery. I know that I am going to panic and the staff are going to have to find some way of calming me down. I wish I could retain logic, but the general anaesthetic takes all of that away. Right now I am so terrified.

This afternoon I see my psychologist. I have a bunch of things to talk to him about today, like my need for instant gratification, my fears about my surgery, and how well I coped with being alone in the house while my husband was away in Canberra. Speaking of which, I did pretty good at being on my own. The only thing about it that gets to me is how early I go to bed when I’m on my own. Without my husband there, I am bored and lonely and see no reason to be up and doing anything in the evening. It makes me think that if I ever lived on my own, I probably wouldn’t cope so well in the long term. I’d probably visit my friends more often.

In any case, today should be a good day. In addition to learning about uploading and editing files in PHP, I’ll probably also do some manual data entry for the exercises for the HMS. Actually, I just figured out the best method of doing this, so I am probably going to have to learn about doing database reading and writing in my website first. So more learning about the framework I’m using and stuff. It’s been so long since I’ve coded things like forms. I hope I pick it up again quickly.

There is a phenomena that I was reminded of the other day when my husband came home. He was due to arrive home between 9:30pm and 10:30pm on Monday night and I knew that I would likely be asleep when he got home, so I set my alarm in the hopes that it would wake me up so I could be alert to welcome him home and talk to him and stuff. However, I went to bed and the next thing I knew, it was the next morning and my husband was sleeping beside me.

According to my husband, my alarm did go off and I turned it off. I also talked with him a whole bunch. But I have no memory of any of this. This is actually a very frequent occurrence as I am sometimes asleep when my husband gets home from events and things. I don’t know if I am half asleep while this happens so it evades my memory later, or if I am actually doing these things in my sleep. Apparently I have before assured my husband that I was fully awake and yet have no memory of it later. He often has to remind me if I’ve agreed to something in that state.

Sometimes in these states I talk absolute nonsense, which is partly why I wonder if I’m actually asleep during these events. I have no idea though. It’s so weird. Not because I think it’s a rare thing, I’m sure that plenty of other people do this too, just that it’s so frequent for me. I’d love to record it or something and see if I can work out just how awake I am. Especially when talking nonsense. That would be amusing to listen to.

I’m pretty sure that I am officially an early riser now. It doesn’t seem to require any particular effort to get up when my alarm goes off anymore. It goes off at five and up I get. I do wonder if the hospital is going to affect this, however. From my lack of memories concerning my last surgery, I assume I will be sleeping for most of the time. Hopefully this won’t affect my sleep pattern too much though. I should still get up at five and at least take my morning drug and my breakfast shake before sleeping again.

I’ve also been doing a little better at drinking my water. I finish the first litre often before 9am these days, sometimes a bit later. But after I fill up my bottle again I find it hard to make myself drink. Drinking water is something that I do when I’m being particularly productive. If I’m not being productive, I don’t drink my water. I don’t know why. But now that I get a second wind of being productive after lunch, I can drink more water after lunch again.

Okay, so today’s agenda: go to PO box and hopefully collect my surgery paperwork, if not, call them and ask for details. Continue working on my HMS with my database scripts and learning to use the controllers and models in this framework. Read when my brain starts to doze off, maybe watch some TV. Have my lunch shake and midday drugs, then probably get back to working on my HMS or organising my eBook collection or something like that. See my psychologist. Pack for my hospital stay. Watch TV. Bed.

The challenge today is not getting ice cream. I just can’t let myself think about it too much, that’s all. If I think about it, I’m more likely to talk myself into getting some. I’m doing so well with my diet and weight loss, I’d hate to go ahead and ruin it now. So I just won’t give myself the opportunity. I’ll be leaving the house once this morning to pick up the post and once this afternoon to meet my psychologist, so I just won’t take any cash or cards with me when I go and do those things.

And I have been doing really well. The last three days have been mega for weight loss. I’ve lost 1.9kg in those three days. Another thing I am scared of though is hitting a plateau. I know that it’s coming, it’s common to hit a plateau for a week or two when starting the ketosis diet before getting back into losing mass amounts of weight. I’m worried that I will become disappointed and sad and get ice cream to cheer myself up.

It sucks that I have such weakness in me. That I can’t trust myself to do the right thing. I know that I will succeed if I just stick to my shakes. I can’t fathom it though. I don’t know what success looks or feels like. I can’t imagine ever succeeding in reaching my goal weight. It’s four months away if I can continue at a reasonable pace. Can I really stick to it for four whole months without getting ice cream, or indulging in some other food that will knock me out of ketosis?

I’m sick of this. I’m sick of doubting myself. Like my husband says, if I think that I’ll fail, then I’ll fail. So why can’t I just choose to believe that I will succeed? Why can’t I be sure that I will resist temptation and do what’s best for me?

I’ll end this post here today. Hopefully I will have time to write another blog entry tomorrow in order to write about what I can remember about my conversation with my psychologist. I wish I could remember everything we discuss, but my memory is so terrible. Stupid memory.

Library Training

I don’t seem to be capable of sleeping in anymore. That’s a good thing I guess. Means solid sleep cycles and productive days and such. I went to bed early again last night. I get bored being at home on my own and sometimes I’m lost in my own thoughts and don’t want to disturb them with watching TV or reading.

Training yesterday was pretty boring. All I got from it really is that I have a lot to learn when I do start working at the library. We were all pretty confused about when we start and what hours we’re doing and how much we’re getting. It sounds like we are the weekend people, and will also be doing a half day during the week to keep our skills up to date and feel like part of the team. I guess this is a good thing as it won’t interfere with my full time job very much, but it does also mean that starting in August (when the library will be open weekends again) I will be doing six day work weeks.

Apparently the library has just had a mass of redundancies, so the trainer told us that everyone who is competent has left and other people have all moved around so no one really knows what they’re doing anymore. What a fun workplace this will be!

I ate badly again yesterday. There were free cookies during training and I failed to resist. So today is Day One of my diet again. I don’t know what I’m going to do this weekend in regards to possibly visiting people because I know that if I leave the house I will likely be tempted with food. It’s so difficult!

I started on the database design of my HMS. It’s good, now that I’ve started, my brain is in database mode and is thinking of all the tables I will need for the functionality I want. I don’t think the database will be complete any time soon as there are features that I’m not sure about yet, but I will at least have the beginnings of a database and some data so I can start coding the HMS. Making an ERD is a lot of fun. I can’t wait until I’ve finished the initial design.

Just about everything is in place for my upcoming surgery. I went to my GP appointment yesterday (not my normal GP though, a different one at the same medical practice) and got my referral which I then scanned and emailed to my surgeon’s office. Now I’m just waiting for the pack they are posting to me which will have all the information I need to know about the surgery. Much excitement, but much scary too.

I am still terrified that I might go to sleep and never wake up. If I could somehow get the surgery while being awake, I totally would. But I must have faith that my surgeon is good at what he does and that everything will go swimmingly. I’m also still worried about how I’m going to react waking up from surgery in lots of pain. I panic when I’m in pain, and coming out of general anaesthetic isn’t going to help matters. I just hope the staff will be able to deal with me when I do wake up. I wonder if I can somehow apologise in advance, or give someone warning…

I guess one good thing about it is that I will lose weight. I should lose weight before the surgery due to sticking to my shakes, and then I should lose more weight after the surgery, for various reasons including the fact that they will be removing a part of me (although the part probably doesn’t weigh much).

One of the guys who was in training with me yesterday was my supervisor when I worked at the State Library. He is currently biding his time until the government hiring freeze is over to get his job back. The sucky thing is that he is looking for work as well as me, and he is applying for the same Library Coordinator position that I am applying for. I don’t think I can beat him to it because he actually has experience in managing staff whereas I don’t. So this has made me very sad and disappointed. And annoyed, because he won’t stay in that job whereas I would. I guess I never really had much of a shot at the job anyway, but now I know that my chances of even getting an interview are probably slim. Such a shame.

There’s another reason I want this library job, and that’s because I don’t want to spend months or even years doing casual library work on top of my full time job. Especially since I will be studying again once next semester starts up. Studying and working two jobs? I guess I shouldn’t complain since that’s exactly what my husband has been doing for years now as well.

It’s amusing, but somehow my husband and I are both working for the same two companies. My library job is at the same university where he is an academic, and he does part time/casual teaching for the company where I work full time. And we’re both studying at the same university where we both work: him doing his PhD and me doing my library studies.

I have to admit that it gives me a sort of sense of pride to think that we’re both taking on so much and working to improve our lives together. He has his computer security stuff, having now identified a bunch of areas for him to work on to improve his skills and knowledge, and I have my nutrition stuff where I study and make a HMS to work on my own skills and knowledge. My nutrition stuff is probably going to sink to a low priority once semester starts though. I will be doing six days a week of work, and then studying in the evenings. At least it’s only one unit this semester. Next semester onwards I’ll be doing two units at a time. God I hope I get a full time library job by then.

So today, as I mentioned, is Day One of dieting again. I will be sticking to the shakes and my water, no keto friendly food this time as I am keen to lose weight while I’m getting back into ketosis. I’ll be working on my database design, maybe learn some stuff about the framework I’m using to develop the HMS. Once my brain shuts down for the day, I will immerse myself in reading and watching TV to get through the day. I don’t know yet if a friend is going to invite me over for board games. And I don’t know whether or not I will go if she does because people there will likely be eating food, and I proved to myself yesterday that I’m not good at resisting food just lying around.

The book I’m reading at the moment is Ender’s Game. I’ve heard good things about it and I’m enjoying it so far, although I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen. I get the idea that this series might be more of a chronicle of someone’s life rather than an action based novel.

Oh, and another thing about training yesterday! Remember how I said I was going to eat in the staff room? Well, I didn’t, but I did go to a cafe with two of the girls there and made conversation with them and everything. They were really nice and friendly, and I managed to communicate with them without much shyness or awkwardness. I’m pretty damn proud of myself for making friends with them. Especially since we’re all going to be working at the same campus on weekends, so I’ll likely work with one or both of them at some point.

And remember the free cookies? Well, I actually had quite a few of them, but one of the other girls there ate even more than I did, so I didn’t feel too bad about eating lots of cookies either, haha. All in all, it was a pretty good day, though it reminded me that I’m going to have to get used to being on my feet all day again. It’ll likely be very difficult for me to begin with, but I’m sure I will get fitter and stronger and will benefit from moving around all day in my new job. It’s certainly a change from my full time job where I’m stuck at my computer all day and am dying to go for a walk to get away from it.

August is when the weekend work will start as that will be when the next semester starts. In the meantime I anticipate a few weekdays of work to get trained in everything before we’re left on our own for the weekends. I hope I get Sundays instead of Saturdays. They said that in order to keep us “casual” rather than “contracted” they will have to change the roster every now and then so we’re not just doing the same thing each week. But I hope I mostly get Sundays. Saturdays would be fine too though. I don’t really mind either way as long as I get one day as a break from all work.

It’ll be a good job for me I think. There’s always plenty of work to do during the day, like shelving books and tidying up and doing returns, as well as the general questions we’ll get from the students and staff. I feel like I will be really competent in this role. I remember how confident and happy I was working at another university library before I did the silly thing and changed jobs. I want to feel that confident and happy in my work again.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I think, I went over a friend’s resume while I was at work, making suggestions and alterations. This particular friend had only two jobs, with a couple of roles of volunteering. I sent this person back my resume as an example (along with a copy of this person’s resume that I had edited and added into a template) and when I looked over my full CV, I realised how huge my job history is. For my full CV, which is what I send to library jobs, I have a heap of previous positions as well as a bunch of work experience, making my CV four pages long. Four pages!

I worry now that this makes me come across as someone who will never stay in a job for long. This makes me even more disappointed about the Library Coordinator position, because I would love to be able to convince them that I would stick around in that position, rather than immediately search for the next shiny job. Unfortunately I have already applied for the role, so I can’t amend my cover letter to specify my intent to stick around. I guess I could withdraw my application and submit a new one again… I’ll think about that.

Okay, I am definitely editing this cover letter. I am going to add so much more information about my previous experience and skill set. I hope this will improve my chances of getting an interview. But now I’m worried that I will add too much to my cover letter and they will just skim read it. Argh!

Anyway, I guess that’s all from me today. I’m hoping for a productive day of database design and maybe even studying, but I will settle for a day where I manage to survive without getting junk food. I also plan to do the laundry and dishes today, during the day specifically so I can use our solar power.

I don’t suppose anyone who reads this might be interested in looking over my cover letter to make sure it doesn’t sound stupid?


I have library training today. Much excitement! I hope it goes well. I really want this whole library thing to work out and be good for me. I need a job where it feels like I belong. I’ve felt that way about libraries in the past. I hope I can feel that way again.

There’s another library job going at the same university: Library Coordinator. I wrote the best cover letter in my life for it and even got my husband and my current boss to look over it. It sounds like an ideal position for me: full time, north of the river, on a campus where friends of mine work, a step forward in my library career, awesome pay. I don’t want to get my hopes up… but holy shit do I want this job. I’m hoping to at least get an interview. I worry about the interview though. Can I really exude enough confidence in myself to convince them that I’m the right person for the job? As far as I can tell, this position doesn’t have any other positions reporting to it, but I think it’s still a leadership role. I don’t have much experience in leadership.

I booked and paid for my surgery yesterday. It’s next Wednesday, 4th of June. I’m getting my lap band surgeon to take out my gallbladder and remove my lap band. He was actually offended that the hospital I went to didn’t remove my gallbladder when I went in for gallstones. He taught me more about the gallbladder as well and what a useless organ it is. The liver produces bile constantly anyway, the gallbladder was just a place to store it. I’m hoping that this means that fatty foods won’t be too bad.

I went to bed super early last night. I tend to do that when my husband isn’t here I think. I get bored and think, “Meh, I may as well sleep.” I went to bed so early that I woke up at 3:30am well rested and worried briefly that I had slept in.

I ate ice cream yesterday. It was so stupid and I am so disappointed in myself. I actually bought over $75 worth of junk food, planning to have junk food days yesterday and today, but after eating my horrible ice cream and feeling so terrible for it, I chose to throw everything else out. This means that I threw over $60 worth of shit into the bin. I am a bit proud of myself for doing it though. It’s a waste of money, but a bigger waste if I ate it all.

So today I am back on the shakes and I am choosing to stick to the shakes only, no keto friendly foods because I really want to lose weight ASAP. I lost a little bit of weight this morning. I hope that translates to more weight loss tomorrow morning.

Today I am planning on having my lunch in the staff room at the library. I am going to sit with people and join in conversation and make a good impression on them hopefully. I normally avoid staff rooms because I am nervous around people, but I want to give this staff room thing a go and see if I can be content with participating in conversations.

The downside is that the Library Coordinator position is on a different campus to the job I am going to today. This means that it is unlikely that at lunch I will make friends with anyone who might be responsible with hiring for that position. Bummer.

My boss says that I could blow that position out of the water. He seems to have a lot of confidence in me and thinks I just need that confidence myself.

I’m hoping that the regret I felt about eating ice cream yesterday sticks with me over this long weekend. It’s going to be super hard, being on my own with nothing to do other than read or watch TV. Well, I guess I could also work on my HMS and study nutrition, but I don’t want to tax myself while I’m going through the withdrawal phase of dieting again. If it weren’t for the new drug, I would probably just sleep all weekend, but my new drug gives me energy and drive, so that won’t really work this time.

I don’t know how likely it is that I will get to talk to my husband over this weekend. It’s been confirmed that the place won’t have Internet and his mobile phone doesn’t get coverage in that area. He bought another SIM card for a provider that claims to have coverage in that area, but he’s not sure that their claims are accurate.

Playing devil’s advocate, I sometimes wonder how easy it would be for my husband to lie to me and do something like have an affair. He’s a very busy person, and I often have no more than his word that he is doing something like attending talks in the city or flying internationally to meet with people for work. I can imagine that he might pretend that he’s flying internationally, but really is staying locally in a hotel with another woman.

I don’t believe any of that for a second. I know my husband is incredibly faithful and honest to me and would never do something so terrible. But my mind likes to imagine these things, like it’s on the alert, just in case.

Actually, I left work early yesterday to get ice cream and go home to eat it. I left after my husband told me he was getting ready for the taxi which would take him to the airport. But when I got home, his car was gone and his bag was still in the living room. I did wonder then if something suspicious was going on, but he arrived home shortly after and told me that he had forgotten to get cash out, so he had done that first and was now ready for the taxi.

Let me clarify here that I am not a jealous or suspicious person by nature. I trust my husband completely and know that he would never be untrue. What I am discussing here are merely stray thoughts, much like an angry person contemplating murder. Well, like a person contemplating murder who would never actually commit murder anyway. It’s kind of like, “Imagine if I were an astronaut!” These are just silly thoughts that have no meaning.

My mother is a very jealous and suspicious person. She cannot handle my dad talking to anyone of the opposite sex at all. She’s jealous of all his past relationships, hates his kids from other marriages, and would stay angry with him for days if he dared mention another female that he talked to or anything. She would try to impose the same jealousies on me as I was a teenager. If my boyfriend happened to be friendly with one of my female friends, she would be all like, “Oooo, watch out for those two!”

To that extent, I used to be a jealous person myself. Never to the same degree as my mother, but I would be unhappy and suspicious if my boyfriend talked to a girl I didn’t know, jealous if a guy I was interested in had a lot of female friends. There was one guy years ago who was interested in me, but I knew I couldn’t handle a relationship with him because he was friends with so many girls. I believed that everyone would eventually cheat on their partner if given the chance. When my abusive partner and I split up, he left me with some parting words: not only did he say that no one else would ever love me, but he also told me that he was the one person who never would have cheated on me.

And I believed that. I believed that not cheating on someone was hard. I had done it to him and I did it to the next guy I dated after him. I always had male friends and sometimes I would get just a little bit too close to them. I honestly wondered if I was cut out for monogamy and wondered how other people could handle it too.

I don’t know what it is about my husband, but somehow things changed. I know now that it is not hard to not cheat on someone. If you love your partner, you don’t let yourself get close enough to another guy for something to happen, or almost happen. Somehow my husband became the most trusted person in my life, which is ironic given the fact that our relationship actually started with his own infidelity. He said he knew that irony, but promised me that he would never be unfaithful to me. And I believe him.

I haven’t been tested much in this marriage. He doesn’t really have any female friends that aren’t also my friends. He doesn’t spend any time alone with a female, doesn’t have regular contact with any as far as I know. But even if he did, I would not be jealous. I think that jealousy is a trait that I picked up from my mother, but its hold on me is weak. It’s still there a little, but I am a bit above that now.

And I don’t get tested with my own fidelity either. Like my husband, I don’t really have any male friends that aren’t also friends with him, and I don’t have much regular communication with male friends. Actually, that’s another thing that has been somewhat new for me since I started dating my husband: most of my friends are actually female these days. I think. Well, maybe not. But I do have female friends that I talk to and see more than my male friends. And I sure wouldn’t mind developing friendships with more females.

I’m not worried that my husband will ever cheat on me, and I’m not worried that I would ever cheat on him. Despite our rocky beginning and the instability caused by my mental illness, we have a great and trusting relationship that is only under threat by two things: my mental illness (because he could very well just get sick of it one day) and potential children (because I still don’t know if I want any, and he certainly doesn’t).

So today is going to be good, albeit difficult. I am going to be trained in the ways of libraries again and am going to stick to my shakes for the day, plus take an extra dose of that new drug at lunch time, although I’m sure going to look weird pouring a pink liquid out of a hip flask and into a medicine cup. I have a GP appointment this evening to get my referral for the surgery next week. Otherwise I am keen to simply spend my weekend getting through this diet thing and getting back into ketosis, which I ruined with my ice cream yesterday.

My hopes are definitely up about this Library Coordinator job (seriously, I think it would be damn close to perfect for me), but there’s no point in stressing about it since applications don’t even close until after my surgery. Argh, I can’t help it though! It would be such an awesome job and I could do so well in it. I only wish I had some strings to pull… Hmmm.

Anyway, I now have an hour until I need to get ready to leave for my library job. I may spend this time designing the database for my HMS. It hasn’t been going well the last two days. I really need to get it done though and fill it with some data so I can finally start coding the bulk of the system. It’s still going to be a steep learning curve for me though, learning how this MVC stuff all goes together and how authentication works. I felt a little bit overwhelmed reading the documentation yesterday and almost wondered if I am even capable of this, but I will persist! I can do this.

I can do all of this! I can stick to my shakes. I can do well in training today. I can get through my weekend. I can survive the horrors of my surgery. And I can totally get that damn library job. So here I go.

Depression as My Companion

I got through yesterday without eating ice cream. I didn’t lose much weight this morning, but I survived and I think I’m now in ketosis. It’s been a while since I was last in ketosis, so I’m not sure what happens next. Will my cravings for ice cream be easier to deal with, or is this just going to continue to suck for the next four months?

The good news is that my taste buds have changed, so I didn’t actually like eating those keto friendly chocolate bars. This is good news because I know now that if I ate ice cream or chocolate that I wouldn’t enjoy it. Hopefully that knowledge will be enough for me to keep away from them. I don’t know though. I do know that if I get ice cream, I won’t enjoy it the first day, but I will enjoy it the second.

I’m actually really scared about my upcoming weekend on my own. My husband’s presence often provides me with the support I need to get through tough times. I can talk myself out of going to get ice cream sometimes because I know that he will judge me for it. But without him being home this weekend, I’m more likely to “sneak” and get some ice cream because there won’t be anyone at home to judge me for it or tell me “no.” I may need to stock up on these keto bars. Sure, they taste like crap to me now, but the sugar hit is better than nothing.

I have a new hobby now: walking. I went for two walks yesterday. Once around the block at my work, and once around the block of my psychiatrist’s office. I arrived at my psychiatrist’s office early and was like, “Hmmm… what should I do?” And then I realised I could just walk! It’s great. I can pretty much walk whenever I want, as long as it’s not raining. Getting bored at my desk at work? A walk is a great break, and it helps weight loss and ketosis. I’ve never seen what a benefit it is before. It wasn’t until a comment from one of my friends about how you don’t need any special equipment to go on a walk, you can just go out the door and do it, that I even considered doing it as a spur of the moment thing. Now I get to enjoy walking and get some exercise and sunlight for it.

My psychiatrist commented on my weight loss. He referred to it twice as me “fading away” and also said that he was now noticing that I am actually a small person. “Petite” was the word he used, though I’m not there yet. We talked about weight loss and poor diets. He told me about his own weight gain which has crept up slowly since the age of 30. He also told me about what he needed to do to lose weight: change his working hours so that he is a normal 9 to 5, whereas now he works late and starts early. We discussed the potency of drinks that are not water, people’s tendency to binge late at night, and how big a difference simply cutting out a dessert at night can make.

I told him about my depression getting a little worse lately and his suggestion is that I take another dose of my new drug at around midday. I mentioned that my new drug comes in a big bottle that I’m not comfortable carrying around, so he called my pharmacy and asked them to give me a small bottle next time I get my prescription filled. In the meantime, I have borrowed my husband’s hip flask and brought a medicine cup with me to measure. I’ll try taking that extra dose at lunch today and see how that goes.

He asked me about my psychologist, so I told him how well things are going on that front. I said that I really liked him and that he was intelligent and interested, insightful, and that he enjoys swearing. My psychiatrist said that he’d had another patient once who liked the same psychologist, a difficult patient. So he thinks he might use my psychologist to refer people to.

In any case, it was a good appointment. I enjoy talking to my psychiatrist and it was great to share information on weight loss with him. I got some updated prescriptions from him and made another appointment for a couple of month’s time, although I will be seeing him on a Saturday morning before that appointment.

I used my GPS to get home yesterday instead of just travelling the route I normally take. I enjoyed the route it did take me down, so I think I might start doing that more often: using the GPS instead of just travelling the way I normally go. There are routes that I don’t need to change, like to and from work, and to and from my Cambridge consultant’s house, because the routes I take are very direct, but other places could sure use a route change. I’ve used my GPS a few times travelling from my psychologist to home and have a new route for that now.

Today is going to be a good day. I will be designing the database for my HMS, I will take my walks around the block (so long as it’s not raining), I will stay at my desk all damn day up until 3:30pm, which is when I leave to meet with my disability support person. I’m still not looking forward to that appointment, but I’m probably going to tell her that I no longer need support so I don’t have to do these meetings anymore.

Tonight is my husband’s last night at home before he goes to Canberra. He travels tomorrow and comes back Sunday night. It will be up to me to look after the cats, which I can totally handle these days better than I used to when I was more depressed. It’s going to be a bit weird though, going home from work and knowing that my husband won’t be showing up at any point. I always leave lights on when I go to bed because I’m still like a little kid scared of the dark. But I also get to have cats sleeping with me. The small one bothers my husband when he tries to sleep, so when we go to bed we close the bedroom door to keep them out. They don’t bother me when I try to sleep on my own though.

I think I need to buy new shoes this weekend. The right one is feeling odd and lopsided, and I need good shoes, especially now that I go for walks all the time. So I think that Saturday I will go shoe shopping and will buy keto friendly foods for the weekend as well. Maybe I will even look for some pink hair dye. Although I don’t know how likely it is that I would find any that isn’t in a hairdresser which does whacky colours.

My hair needs to be redone. The thing is, I wash my hair more often that most people do, usually every day or every second day, so my hair dye washes out faster than expected. It costed me $345 to get my hair done less than two months ago, and now my hair is all faded and yucky. I need to learn about looking after my hair I think. So I’ve just asked a question on Facebook about hair washing that hopefully my friends will answer. It would be good to keep my crazy colours for longer.

Depression is my constant companion. As always, reaching the end of my blog entry sends me into a state of boredom and sadness. My energy dissipates and I find myself unfocused, unable to concentrate on any of the tasks that I was so excited about when I started this blog entry. I slip back into “zone out” mode where all I want to do is distract myself so that time passes by and I can survive in whatever state I’m in. I just want to go home and eat and read. I don’t want to stay here at stupid work trying to be productive.

Now, if depression is a mask, what am I really feeling beneath all of this? What feelings are so scary that I feel the need to bury them? Is it a fear of failure? I am certainly afraid of failing at my diet and see every hour as just another period of time where I might convince myself that ice cream is okay and that I should have some.

I hate not being able to determine my own feelings. How am I supposed to work through this and improve things if I can’t understand what’s actually going on for me?

In any case, I will do my best to get through my day without giving up and going home early. I need to find a way of sticking to my job and stop falling apart every day that I’m here. Here goes another day…

Instant Gratification

I think my depression is getting worse. I was miserable yesterday and the day before due to my weight not doing what I want it to. Yesterday I was back to crying in the toilets at work because I’d lost hardly any weight and I was struggling to install a PHP framework. Today I’m still unhappy and on the verge of tears. No particular reason today, just depressed and sad.

The other day my husband and I were discussing instant gratification. Apparently I am an instant gratification monster, incapable of working towards something and receiving delayed gratification. Even something that I thought was delayed gratification, like studying nutrition, is still instant gratification because I enjoy it.

I asked my husband how he learnt the value of delayed gratification, to which he replied that he grew up poor and had to save up for things. I grew up poor as well, but in my house we always just spent whatever money we had. I don’t recall any instances of saving up for anything. My mother is definitely very much the same. I gave her money so she could save up for her own Wii and she immediately spent it on other stuff.

A good example of my need for instant gratification is the fact that I weigh myself every day. I know that I shouldn’t, because I know that everyone’s weight fluctuates due to things like water retention and hormones and stuff, but I just can’t survive on this diet without seeing the improvements day after day. And I get bloody miserable if my weight doesn’t do what I wanted it to.

So how do I reprogram myself to achieving delayed gratification? This is definitely something for me to discuss with my psychologist next time I see him. Is there a single thing in my life that doesn’t stem from instant gratification? I can’t think of anything. I don’t do anything I don’t enjoy except coming in to work every bloody weekday. And avoiding ice cream.

Work was a little more bearable yesterday, despite the crying I did in the morning. I went for three walks around the block and worked on my HMS, learning how to program within a PHP framework. I’m learning this while at work because I figure it’s work related since it’s teaching me better programming within a structure that we use here at work.

I purchased a second water bottle yesterday, another one litre one that looks just like my current one, but green instead of orange. I don’t like the water here at work and I’m getting through my one litre in the morning, so this way I will have two litres of my tasty home water to drink.

The next week or so is a little bit busy for me. I see my psychiatrist this afternoon, visit my new disability employment support person tomorrow, and see my lap band surgeon on Thursday. The only reason I’m keeping that appointment is so I can find out the cost of getting my gallbladder and lap band removed and compare prices with the new surgeon. Friday is my day of training at the university library, next Monday is a public holiday, and next Tuesday I see the new surgeon and my psychologist. Lots of things for me to do.

My husband will be away from Thursday until Sunday night. Where he’s going has no phone reception and maybe even no Internet, so I may not get to talk to him at all over the weekend. It will just be me and the cats, struggling through a couple of days without food. I hope I can survive while my husband is gone. Maybe I will try to make plans with some friends.

My HMS is in the design phase at the moment. I’m currently templating the site design, but now I need to work out what’s actually going to be on each page so that I can create the database and store some dummy data to build all the pages of my system. This is exciting. I am going to create an awesome system using a PHP framework, and it’s going to have functions and authentication and all kinds of whacky stuff. I can’t wait to actually be building it!

I’m still on the same chapter of my nutrition book. I’ve been struggling to bring my focus to studying. I still enjoy it, I just don’t seem to be able to concentrate for long enough to take notes and get through my current chapter. I really want to continue though, read future chapters all about enzymes and vitamins and stuff. The book I’ve got borrowed from the university library is actually really good. I think I might have to buy a copy for myself one day. It would be nice if it weren’t so USA focused though. If only there was a similar, Australian book.

I see my psychiatrist today, as I mentioned above. Unfortunately I was supposed to do a blood test which I haven’t quite gotten around to yet. I need to do the blood test so we can check my levels of my anti-depressant. Then we will know if we can increase my dosage, which I might need given that I’ve been feeling a bit worse lately. I will also need to tell him about my upcoming surgery, as that will be a concern. After my lap band surgery I know that my mood dropped and didn’t come back up for quite some time. The same may happen again.

Tomorrow I have to go and see my new disability support person, which I’m not looking forward to. No particular reason, it’s just that I don’t find them to be especially helpful and am starting to think that I should just part ways with them and say that I’m fine now. I don’t need their help finding and obtaining jobs. And I may not need their help to keep my job, so long as things don’t get out of hand with me leaving work early too often and stuff. So it’s probably time I cut the cord on that one.

Thursday I have an appointment with my lap band surgeon to get my lap band filled. I don’t need or want it filled, but I do want to ask him about the costs associated with gallbladder and lap band surgery so I can compare it with the other surgeon. I think my current surgeon might remove my lap band for free, but don’t quote me on that because I’m not sure. Whereas the other surgeon may charge extra for the lap band removal. The only reason I selected a different surgeon from my lap band surgeon when I was getting the referral made up by my GP was because I didn’t want to explain to my lap band surgeon about not wanting the lap band anymore. But I guess I won’t be avoiding that anymore since I’ll be asking him about it.

Friday should be a good day. Hopefully not too boring. I’ll be getting trained so I can work at the university library.

The weekend will hopefully be good as well. I want to see if I can catch up with anyone over the weekend. Keep my mind off ice cream and loneliness which may lead to ice cream. I’m really hoping I have the strength to get through without ice cream on my own. I know it’s only too easy to talk myself into getting some. But I need to stick with it, especially if I want to reach next Monday’s goal, which I really do. I don’t want to have to move all of my goals down a week again. It’s time for me to start meeting them.

Monday is a public holiday, so I’ll be staying home while my husband probably has to go to work. I’ll probably just spend the day doing home things like laundry and study.

Next Tuesday I will meet the surgeon I got referred to and find out about the costs of getting my gallbladder and lap band removed. Then I will have the information I need to pick a surgeon and get my surgery all scheduled. I’m still scared and not looking forward to it, although I am looking forward to having the time off work.

That same day I will also be seeing my psychologist and likely talking to him about this whole instant gratification thing.

That’s my next week all planned out. My struggles remain the same: work and my diet. Both very difficult things for me to try and deal with. I am having a difficult time today. It’s just after 8am and I already want ice cream. I have no idea how to cope with these feelings. I’m considering leaving work early and going to the store for a keto chocolate bar.

Okay, so I am leaving work early and fetching a keto bar. I’m really glad that I have made this decision and will avoid ice cream. I hope the rest of the day goes okay.

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I am an Australian female in her mid twenties who would like to stay anonymous. If you have come to this site and know who I am, I simply ask that you do not mention me by my real name anywhere here.

I am currently engaged in warfare with Major Depression and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is the place where my progress is kept.

This blog was initially locked out but I want other sufferers to be able to find me, in the hope that my battle can help them to feel that they are not alone. Reading about my condition has helped me immensely, so I'd like to pass it on.